As kids grow, fear of judgement can shape their choices. Learn how to build their confidence and foster resilience early.
I still remember taking the photo: My son lying in plain sight on the couch in the living room, covering his eyes with his hands. We were playing hide-and-seek. Typical of toddlers all around the world, he assumed since he couldn’t see anybody, nobody could see him either.
We spent much of that year playing hide-and-seek in similar, adorable fashion. In fact, back then, my son would often stop in his tracks on the way to somewhere, cover his eyes and declare, “Hiding!”
There is a beauty in the way children behave at that age. There is an innocence and naivete in the way they perceive the world, but even more, there is a lack of inhibition (which could be a double-edged sword. Think writhing toddler on the supermarket floor.).
Like nobody is watching
We like to say “dance like nobody’s watching, sing like no-one is listening” to describe behaving with a sense of freedom. It’s about doing the things that bring us joy and happiness without fear of judgement or being self-conscious.
Toddlers do that. As a toddler, my son would walk past a shop and stop to dance at its entrance if he heard a particularly jaunty tune. Everybody knows if he’s loving life and enjoying it, and he doesn’t care what you think.
Before the age of two, most children think the world revolves around them. From their point of view, what they think and how they feel must be what others think and feel too. They don’t have the concept that other people have different needs and perspectives. It’s why if they can’t see you when they’re playing hide-and-seek, you surely can’t see them.
Then they grow up and suddenly, everyone is watching.
Theory of mind
By the time children are two, they’ve developed what psychologists term “theory of mind”. Put simply, they start to recognise they are individuals, separate and distinct from other people. As their theory of mind forms, they begin to understand people can and will judge them on their behaviour and react to that perception accordingly.
“Theory of mind is a complex process that develops within children, on average, over the period between 18 months to four years of age,” says Dr Katie Kjelsaas, a clinical psychologist based in Brisbane. “So, depending on the individual child and their development, sensitivity to perceived judgements and opinions of others will develop somewhere within this period for most children.”
My son continued to play with dolls up to around seven years when he gradually stopped, mostly because of feedback from his peers that it was a “girly” thing to do (yes, I was so incensed I wrote about the gender bias problem such attitudes cause). And yet, Dr Katie is quick to point out reacting to judgement from other people is not necessarily a bad thing.
“This same process that enables children to become sensitive to judgement also empowers them to empathise and show concern for others, so it is important to emphasise that it is an inherently healthy and valuable thing.”
In other words, while as parents we may mourn the loss of inhibition in our children, theory of mind and the fear of judgement is not necessarily a bad thing. Children can become more sensitive, considerate and thoughtful because they are able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. They are able to understand what may be a joke to them could be offensive or hurtful to another, because they can imagine someone else feeling differently to them.
Judgement as positive feedback
As a society, we tend to frown on “judgey” people. In a world that increasingly supports individualism, we often say things like “You do you” or “Who am I to judge?” We shy away from being even perceived as being judgemental.
Yet, it’s not all bad when we’ve been judged.
“Responsiveness to judgement can serve a useful purpose for children and adults,” says Dr Katie. “Humans are socially bonding mammals and a degree of our success and satisfaction in life relates to our ability to respond appropriately to social cues and maintain connections with others. Responsiveness to judgement can help us adjust our behaviour to do so, increasing our personal development, social success and associated life satisfaction.”
When taken in the right dosage, the knowledge that you are being judged can spur you on to become a better person. I remember how in primary school, my friends started “judging” me for behaving in a rather entitled manner and responding pettily whenever things didn’t go my way.
Instead of ignoring the judgement and dismissing it as unwanted, I adjusted my behaviour and over the course of several months, I believe I became a better person and friend because of it.
When the fear of judgement overwhelms
However, what if the fear of being judged paralyses you and creates so much fear? My son has started becoming quite concerned about what other people think of him in recent years. While the concern can help change his behaviour positively, I’m not particularly keen on him growing up cowering under the weight of perceived judgement either.
Join Faith and I as we discuss what happens when this fear of judgement becomes a trauma response in the Mums At The Table podcast, Life in the Grey.
As Dr Katie points out, sensitivity to the perception of judgement can get out of hand. In worst case scenarios, children can become depressed, anxious and avoid circumstances or settings in which judgement is anticipated. In these instances, she has four tips:
1. Remind them of their value
We are socially bonding mammals who function best when we believe we are securely connected to safe others. Explicitly and implicitly reinforce your child’s value and belonging with you as their primary safe haven in life.
Remind them of the things you and their family appreciate and value about them. Create opportunities to spend time together and reinforce their value to you and the family.
2. Give them important mirrors
Our views of ourselves and the world (what researchers call models of self and other) are largely formed through interactions with important others. Parents are our first and most important mirrors: We look at them and their response to us tells us who we are.
As children develop and differentiate from parents (in later primary school and beyond), peers become increasingly important “mirrors” and worries about their judgement can loom large. Educate your child about this “mirror method” humans use to form their views of self. Importantly, let them know that different mirrors can bounce back different views, and sometimes this is more about the mirror than the person looking into it!
Ask them about the “mirrors” that are most important to them (friends, family), and what they’re currently seeing beamed back. Encourage them to draw on a diversity of “mirrors” and support them to keep their reflections balanced—not just focusing on the “negative” or “judgemental” cues they perceive, but consciously seeking out neutral and positive ones too.
3. Engage self-compassion and empathy
When your child experiences judgement (real or perceived), support them to practise speaking kindly to themselves when processing the experience. Some questions they might ask themselves about the experience could include:
- What did I perceive here?
- Is there an alternative explanation?
- What can I learn from this experience?
- What is still valuable about me?
If a child struggles to answer these questions compassionately, you might ask them to imagine how they would answer a good friend who asked them the same questions.
4. Seek help
Sometimes, children and families really benefit from sessions with a child or family therapist to further explore and shift the negative models of self and other underlying judgement sensitivity. With the right therapist, this can be a nourishing experience that strengthens the child and the whole family system. Families with children struggling with judgement don’t have to struggle alone.
Living a confident life
My favourite thing to tell my son whenever he worries about anticipated judgement is that people are often so concerned about other people’s judgement, they have no time to judge him. I have no way of ascertaining whether that is true, but it’s a perspective I believe will help him live with more confidence and less worry.
The fear of judgement lies in direct contrast to our sense of self-worth. The more we as parents can build up our children’s self-esteem and teach them to discern what’s constructive and what’s harmful, the better chance they will have in living happy, confident lives.
Perhaps they’ll even dance like nobody’s watching or sing like nobody’s listening.
Tune in to the Life in the Grey podcast
Life isn’t always black and white. Life in the Grey is a Mums At The Table podcast where we explore the psychological factors that shape our relationships, be that as a parent, a partner or a peer. And don’t worry—it’s short because we ain’t got time for fluff. Expect practical takeaways that you can apply to your own life, whether it’s navigating parenting challenges or finding balance amidst life’s demands. Join us each month as we share stories, insights and reflections that encourage personal growth and foster a sense of connection in our community.
Helping your child overcome the fear of judgement
