Why we need more conversations about mum rage 

It’s the hidden side of motherhood no-one wants to admit to. It’s time to normalise mum rage. You are not a bad mum for feeling overwhelmed.

The soft-focus moments, the sleepy cuddles, the first smiles are all just one version of motherhood that gets shared widely. The other version: Mum rage, gets ignored and quietly swept under the rug.

The thing is, mum rage, sometimes called maternal rage, is far more common than people admit. It can show up as intense anger, snapping over small things or feeling like your emotions escalate faster than you can control. For many mothers, especially in the postpartum period or early years of raising kids, these experiences can feel confusing, shameful and isolating.

The truth is, this isn’t a rare problem or a sign of being a bad mum. It’s a deeply human response to an overwhelming set of circumstances. And that’s exactly why we need more open, honest conversations about it.

What is mum rage, really?

Mum rage isn’t just “getting annoyed”. It’s the surge of intense feelings that can feel disproportionate to the situation. A spilled drink, a toddler refusing shoes or yet another night of sleeplessness can suddenly tip someone over the edge.

For many women, anger is actually a secondary emotion, a signal that something deeper is going on. Underneath the rage, there are often unmet needs, exhaustion, overstimulation or emotional overload.

Think about a typical day in modern motherhood:

• You’re running on sleep deprivation
• You haven’t had a proper break
• Your to-do list is endless
• You’re managing the mental load and invisible work of the household
• Your own basic needs, like eating, resting or even going to the bathroom alone, are constantly interrupted

In that context, anger isn’t surprising. For many mums, it’s almost inevitable. If your needs aren’t met, and your feelings and emotions are constantly suppressed, sooner or later, they will explode. For some mums, it comes out in the form of depression, for other mums, physical ill health and for some, rage.

Why we don’t talk about mum rage

Despite how common maternal anger is, many mothers feel pressure to present themselves as calm, patient and endlessly giving. There’s a persistent idea of what “good mothers” should look like and rage doesn’t fit into that picture.

So when mum rage shows up, women often think:

• “What’s wrong with me?”
• “Other mothers don’t feel like this.”
• “I must be a bad mum.”

This silence creates a harmful cycle. The less we talk about it, the more isolated women feel and the harder it becomes to seek professional support or even admit what’s happening.

But research and shared motherhood experiences tell a different story. This is a common experience.

When it become a problem

The problem with mum rage is it can often be misunderstood. “There’s a little bit of that jump to ‘this is dangerous or this mum needs help immediately’,” clinical psychologist Frances Bilbao tells the ABC in an interview about anger and motherhood.

While Ms Bilbao says people should be aware of the red flags to watch for, indicating professional help might be needed, she adds that more education is required to recognise that anger is often a very “normal response” to the conditions of motherhood.

“Of course, violence or yelling or verbal abuse is never okay. We don’t want our children to be exposed to that,” she says. “That is absolutely a time when we need to address those feelings and how you’re managing that anger.”

Although frustration and anger are common experiences, Dr Sophie Brock, a sociologist who specialises in motherhood, in the same article says many mums are “socially gaslit” out of expressing it.

She attributes this to the “myth of the perfect mother”.

“We have this story [about motherhood] in our consciousness—collectively, culturally, individually—and then when we become a mother, there’s this reckoning with what it’s actually like,” she says.

“You can deeply love your children while feeling angry. When mothers are told that they’re not meant to feel this tension, we’re asking ourselves to do the impossible.”

The myth of the “bad” emotion

Anger, like all the other emotions we feel, isn’t “bad”. It’s actually a healthy and normal emotion. Anger can inspire justice, protection, boundaries or signal to you that enough is enough. It highlights your values and helps you realise there is a gap somewhere.

The shadow side or “bad side” of anger (and all emotions have a shadow side) is that it can be highly addictive and destructive. Anger can make you feel powerful and therefore it can become a habit or a tool used to force others to do what you want. When anger is used as a reactive, impulsive behavioural component, it has immense power to cause disconnection with the people we are dealing with and further masks the deeper issues.

A real-world example

Wendy is a mum of three who has recently been estranged from her dad, after his constant refusal to respect her boundaries. She feels abandoned for the millionth time, unlovable and forgotten. She’s had a lot of sleepless nights over it all. She feels like her life has become a kind of everyday crisis and she doesn’t know how to get out of it.

Her husband is tired and grouchy when he gets home from his stressful job, and doesn’t want to help with the kids or dinner. The kids are always trying to get his attention, having a fight or doing something dangerous while she’s trying to get the house ready for dinner, bath and bedtime.

One evening, she gets a call from her mum that her grandma is sick. Then comes a message that says her boss wants to meet with her the following day, and the rice in the pot has just burnt. One of the kids needs a Band-Aid and she yells at them to get it themselves. Her husband comes in and asks her in an irritated voice what is wrong. She yells at him, throws the rice in the sink and storms out of the house, with the youngest crying and following her.

In this situation, Wendy really isn’t upset about the kids or the rice. Her deep hurt, abandonment, feeling alone, managing everything without her husband’s help, and her dad’s absence, are mounting up. She’s feeling unworthy in the eyes of her dad, her husband and now her boss. She feels like no-one understands what she’s dealing with.

At the same time, Wendy isn’t addressing her circumstances, processing, talking about it or taking time off to think and reflect. She’s just go, go, go until the tiniest of things tips her over the edge. What everyone else sees and perhaps even what she sees, is that she’s having a meltdown about burnt rice. But it’s way deeper.

The anger she feels is trying to signal to her that there are wounds needing to be addressed. The healthy emotion has been sabotaged by its shadow side: Reactivity and disconnection.

Practical ways to cope in the moment

While deeper support is important, there are also small, practical strategies that can help regulate your nervous system in the heat of the moment.

1. Pause and breathe

Simple, but powerful. Deep breathing or even a few slow, intentional breaths can help interrupt the stress response. Deep breaths signal safety to your nervous system and create a moment of space before reacting.

2. Step away if you can

If your child is safe, take a short break. Even 30–60 seconds in another room can help reset your emotions.

3. Name what’s happening

Saying, even internally, “I’m feeling intense anger right now” can help create awareness and reduce reactivity. Try naming the reasons if you can, and try to list at least five. You might find, as you’re naming the reasons why you’re angry, that the real reasons start to emerge.

4. Lower the bar

Not everything has to be done immediately. If dinner is late or the house is messy, that’s okay. Reducing pressure reduces emotional overload.

5. Tend to your basic needs

It sounds obvious, but it’s often overlooked. Have you eaten? Had water? Slept? Meeting these needs can significantly reduce emotional intensity.

Longer-term strategies that make a difference

Coping in the moment is helpful, but addressing the root causes is where real change happens.

Rebalance the mental load

If you’re carrying most of the invisible work, it’s worth having honest conversations about sharing responsibilities. This isn’t always easy, but it’s essential.

Build in small breaks

Even short, regular breaks can make a big difference. A quiet drink, a walk or time alone can help regulate your system.

Use cognitive strategies

Notice patterns in your thinking. Are you expecting yourself to do everything perfectly? Challenging unrealistic expectations can ease pressure.

Prioritise connection

Talking to other mothers about their motherhood experiences can be incredibly validating. It reminds you that you’re not alone.

The role of hormones and the postpartum period

For many women, mum rage is particularly intense during the postpartum period. Hormonal changes after birth can have a powerful effect on mood and emotional regulation.

Combine that with:

• Physical recovery
• Sleep deprivation
• The demands of caring for a newborn
• Identity shifts in new motherhood

It becomes much easier to understand why postpartum rage can emerge. In some cases, rage may be linked to postpartum depression, even if sadness isn’t the dominant emotion. Irritability and anger are often overlooked symptoms, which is why they don’t always get the attention they deserve.

When to seek professional support

Mum rage becomes something to take more seriously when:

• It feels constant or overwhelming
• You’re worried about how you’re reacting to your child
• It’s affecting your relationships
• You feel out of control or ashamed afterwards
• It’s linked with symptoms of postpartum depression or anxiety

This is where therapy sessions or professional support can make a meaningful difference.

A therapist can help you:

• Understand the root of your anger
• Develop emotional regulation tools
• Process underlying stress or trauma
• Build sustainable coping strategies

Seeking help doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re taking responsibility for your own and your family’s wellbeing.

Changing the narrative around “good mothers”

One of the biggest barriers to addressing mum rage is the idea that good mothers are always calm and patient. Real motherhood is more complex than that.

Good mothers:

• Get overwhelmed
• Feel intense anger sometimes
• Struggle with the demands of modern motherhood
• Need support

The goal isn’t to eliminate anger entirely. It’s about understanding it, responding to it and creating environments where mothers are supported rather than judged.

Why these conversations matter

Talking openly about mum rage does a few powerful things:

• It reduces shame
• It validates real experiences
• It encourages mothers to seek support
• It helps families function more healthily
• It creates space for more honest conversations about motherhood

When we normalise these discussions, we move away from unrealistic expectations and toward something more compassionate and sustainable.

Time to address it

If you’ve experienced mum rage, it doesn’t define you. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother. It means you’re human, navigating a demanding role with limited resources and often unrealistic expectations.

Your anger is not the problem. It’s a signal.

A signal that something needs attention.
A signal that your needs matter too.
A signal that support could help.

The more we talk about this, the more we create a culture where mothers feel seen, understood and supported, not judged.

And that’s something every mother and every family benefits from.

Read next: We were never meant to be perfect parents