Discover the four attachment styles and how they shape your parenting approach, influence your child’s development and impact relationships.
Developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby, attachment theory explores how the bond between a child and their primary caregiver shapes emotional and social growth and child development. These bonds, formed in early childhood, influence mental health, close relationships and even romantic relationships in adulthood.
Mary Ainsworth, a researcher who worked with Bowlby, expanded on his work and identified different attachment styles. Understanding these attachment styles can help us as we navigate the ups and downs of raising young children. By recognising our child’s attachment needs, we can foster healthier, more secure relationships that lay the foundation for emotional wellbeing throughout their lives.
What is attachment theory?
At its core, attachment theory suggests that children are born with an innate ability to form emotional bonds with their primary caregiver—usually their mum or dad. These bonds are critical to human development because they help the child feel safe and supported, all of which are needed to grow into mentally healthy adults.
When a child is consistently cared for and their emotional needs are met, they develop a secure attachment, which acts as a safe base from which they can explore the world. People need people! We are social creatures with the innate desire for love and safety with those around us.
Imagine a toddler who, while playing at the park, runs back to their mum for a hug before going back to play. This simple act of seeking comfort is an example of attachment behaviour. The child knows that their mum is there for them, that they are safe and that they can return to her for reassurance when they need it.
The four different attachment styles
Not all children form secure attachments and understanding the different attachment styles can help us better respond to our children’s emotional needs. Attachment styles typically fall into four categories: secure attachment style, anxious (or ambivalent) attachment style, avoidant-dismissive attachment style and disorganised attachment style. Let’s take a closer look at each one.
1. Secure attachment style
A child with a secure attachment feels confident their caregiver will be there to meet their needs. This attachment style is formed when a caregiver is consistently responsive and emotionally available to their child. Think of a baby who is comforted by their mum’s touch or a toddler who looks back at their mum to ensure she’s still there before venturing off to explore. A secure attachment means the child feels safe exploring the world but knows they can return to their caregiver for comfort.
As parents, we can foster secure attachment by being present for our kids, showing them love, responding to their needs and providing a consistent routine. Obviously, we’re going to make mistakes at times, but the overall experience our child has with us needs to look like this if we want them to have a secure attachment.
2. Anxious (or ambivalent) attachment style
Children with an anxious attachment style are often uncertain whether their caregiver will be there when they need them. This attachment style typically develops when caregivers are inconsistent in their responses: Sometimes emotionally available and other times distant or preoccupied.
The child may feel unsure about whether they can rely on their caregiver, leading to clinginess and anxiety. Insecure attachment styles can manifest strong feelings or cause an apparent emotional shutdown. Children with this attachment style become insecure and needy and have low levels of self-worth and confidence.
3. Avoidant-dismissive attachment style
Children with avoidant-dismissive attachments tend to appear emotionally distant or independent. They may not seek comfort from their caregivers when upset or may even withdraw emotionally. This often occurs when a caregiver is emotionally unavailable, unresponsive or neglectful. A child with avoidant-dismissive attachment might act like they don’t need their parent, even when they do.
Imagine a child who seems perfectly content being alone, even though they’ve just hurt themselves. When their parent tries to offer comfort, they may pull away or act like it doesn’t matter. In this case, the child has learned to suppress their emotions and avoid seeking support from their caregiver. Infant distress that is allowed to continue unchecked can cause an avoidant attachment style, leading to children who don’t want to be around their parents due to a lack of emotional safety.
In the long-term, a child with this style of attachment may grow into a disengaged adult, avoiding hard conversations or challenges and not being able to emotionally open up to those they love.
4. Disorganised attachment style
Disorganised attachment is often seen in children who experience inconsistent, frightening or traumatic caregiving. These children may feel torn between seeking comfort from their caregiver and being afraid of them. They may exhibit confusing behaviours, such as approaching their caregiver but pulling away or freezing in place when distressed.
A child with disorganised attachment might seem unsure whether to trust their caregiver and their behaviour might be unpredictable. They may go from wanting comfort to pushing their caregiver away without any clear reason. If there are high levels of inconsistency, your child will not be able to connect with you, create their own identity or feel that they have a sense of purpose in the world.
As a parent, you need to be a place of security for your child, not a source of fear. Your child desperately needs you to be reliable for them; they want to feel safe and loved by you. But if they are met with unpredictability from you, they will be left with intense feelings of confusion, grief and anger.
Attachment styles and adult relationships
Research in developmental psychology suggests that early attachment security influences adult attachment. We now know that the attachment behaviours we develop as children stay with us. As we grow older, the attachment patterns we form in childhood continue to shape how we interact with others, including romantic partners, friends and even colleagues.
For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might constantly seek reassurance from their romantic partner, while someone with an avoidant attachment style may prefer to keep their emotional distance. Understanding these patterns in yourself and your partner can help you improve communication and build a healthier, more secure relationship. The attachment system you and your spouse have and the way those individual differences play out could have a huge positive or negative impact on your relationship.
It’s important to work through your own story and find out what type of attachment style you have and how this could be affecting your life and current relationships. Personal relationships have the most profound impact on your life, more than any other factor. That’s why making every effort to have safe, trusting ones is crucial.
Nurturing your child’s emotional development
Understanding your child’s attachment style can help you better meet their emotional needs. When you respond to your child’s needs consistently and lovingly, you help them feel secure and safe, which is the foundation of healthy emotional development.
Secure attachment forms the basis for emotional resilience, self-regulation and relationship confidence. It gives children the tools they need to manage their emotions and build healthy, trusting relationships in the future—whether with friends, romantic partners or their own children one day.
Remember that change is possible if your child shows signs of insecure attachment. With the right support, patience and nurturing, even children with avoidant, anxious or disorganised attachment styles can learn to develop a more secure attachment with their caregivers. It may take time, but your consistent love and attention can make all the difference in your child’s emotional wellbeing.
Moving forward
Parenting is not without its challenges, but the more we understand the importance of attachment theory, the better equipped we are to nurture our children’s emotional health and future relationships. Infant attachment is a real thing, so if you have a baby, these principles apply just as much as if you have a toddler or a primary-aged child.
As you continue to parent your child, remember that the goal is to provide a secure base—a safe and supportive environment where your child feels loved and protected. Whether you have an infant, toddler or older child, being mindful of attachment behaviours and understanding your child’s emotional needs can help you build a stronger, more trusting relationship. In turn, this helps your child thrive emotionally, socially and mentally.
To learn more about attachment theory, check out this podcast by developmental paediatrician Dr Billy Garvey.
Read next: 11 things that will ensure a positive attachment with your child
