The five self-promises that are key to navigating separation in a healthy and sustainable way, and rebuilding a life that you love.
With the median duration of marriage being only 13 years, many of us will face the heartache of a relationship ending. Experiencing a separation or divorce is sadly all too common.
As someone who has navigated the turbulent waters of separation, I understand the emotional rollercoaster that follows. It’s a time filled with sadness, anger, rejection and fear, which can take a toll on your overall wellbeing.
Research shows separated or divorced individuals are 2.5 times more likely to suffer from serious mental illness compared to those who are married. The statistics are sobering, but there is hope.
I’ve made it my mission to support women as they reclaim control and find empowerment post break-up. Drawing from my background in psychology and family law, along with my personal experience, I’ve identified five self-promises that are key to navigating separation in a healthy and sustainable way and rebuilding a life that they love.
1. The 24-hour rule
In the early days of my separation, my emotions were all over the place. I found myself reacting impulsively to situations, which often made things worse. Then I discovered the power of waiting 24 hours before responding to emotionally charged situations.
This simple rule allowed me to process my feelings and respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively. It’s not about suppressing your emotions but giving yourself space to react with clarity and purpose.
When you’re going through a break-up, emotions can be incredibly volatile. It’s natural to want to react immediately, especially when you feel hurt or angry. Yet these immediate reactions are often driven by intense emotions that can cloud your judgement. By giving yourself a 24-hour pause, you allow the initial emotional surge to subside, making room for a more measured and thoughtful response.
For instance, if your ex sends a message that triggers an emotional reaction, instead of firing back a quick reply, take a step back. Give yourself time to breathe, reflect and consider your response. You might find that what felt urgent in the heat of the moment seems less critical after some time has passed. This approach not only helps in reducing conflict but also fosters better communication and understanding, especially in situations where you share children.
2. Positive affirmations
During dark moments, positive affirmations became my lifeline. It’s easy to fall into a negative spiral when dealing with a break-up, but affirmations helped me shift my mindset and stay focused on the one thing that counts: Myself.
By focusing on statements that reinforced my strength and resilience, I gradually started to see myself in a more positive light. Practising gratitude and affirmations can counteract the negative thoughts and help you maintain a positive outlook.
Affirmations are powerful because they work on a subconscious level. When you repeat positive statements about yourself and visualise them, you start to internalise them. Over time, these affirmations can change your thought patterns and help you build a stronger, more resilient mindset.
For example, telling yourself, “I am strong and capable” or “I have powerful boundaries and I respect them daily” can help counteract the negative self-talk that often accompanies a break-up.
3. Understanding control
One of the hardest lessons I learned was understanding what I could and couldn’t control. You can’t control how others think, feel or act, but you can control your reactions.
By focusing on my actions and responses, I found a sense of empowerment. This shift in perspective helped me navigate the chaos with more grace and composure, focusing on what I could influence.
During a break-up, it’s common to feel overwhelmed by a sense of loss or control. You might find yourself trying to influence your ex’s feelings or actions, hoping to change the outcome. However, this approach is often futile and can lead to increased frustration and distress. Recognising and accepting that you can only control your own actions and reactions is liberating. It allows you to redirect your energy towards areas where you can make a difference.
For example, instead of trying to change your ex’s mind about the break-up, focus on how you can respond to the situation in a way that supports your wellbeing. This might mean setting boundaries, seeking support or doing something you love. By focusing on what you can control, you reclaim your power and begin to build a life that aligns with your values and needs.
4. Reflection (daily journalling)
Looking back on my past was painful, but it was also incredibly healing. Reflecting and journalling my experiences allowed me to understand my growth and learn more about myself. Journalling becomes a powerful tool for processing your emotions and turning past challenges into stepping stones for your future. Reflection helps you self-assess, to see how far you’ve come and where you want to go next.
Reflection is an essential part of the healing process. It allows you to process your experiences, understand your emotions, and gain insight into your behaviour and patterns. This self-awareness is crucial for personal growth and development. By taking the time to reflect on your past, you can identify what worked, what didn’t and how you can apply these lessons moving forward.
Journalling is a particularly effective way to engage in reflection. Writing down, or even drawing, your thoughts and feelings can provide clarity and perspective. It can help you identify recurring themes or patterns in your relationships and understand the underlying issues.
By making reflection a regular practice, you can turn your past experiences into valuable lessons that guide your future choices.
5. Advice from professionals versus friends
Friends and family were a great source of comfort for me, but I soon realised they couldn’t provide the expert guidance I needed. Seeking professional advice was a game-changer. Accessing professionals offers the objectivity and expertise that my loved ones couldn’t provide, due to bias. Balancing support from friends with professional guidance ensured I received comprehensive help tailored to my situation.
During a break-up, it’s natural to turn to friends and family for support. However, they may not be able to address the full spectrum of challenges you’re facing without letting their own personal opinion cloud their judgement. Professional guidance can fill this gap, offer specialised knowledge and tools to help you navigate the complexities of separation.
Whether it is psychological support, financial advice or legal expertise, professionals can provide a safe space to explore your situation, work through your challenges and develop effective coping strategies. After all, knowledge is power. By seeking professional support and not only friend support, you’re getting the comprehensive help you need to heal and grow.
ABS data states approximately 3.4 million Australians aged 16–85 have seen a health professional for their mental health in the previous 12 months. With the increase in Australians seeking mental health support, the need for professional guidance during post-separation is more crucial than ever.
Reclaim your life after a break-up
Remember, the end of a relationship, while painful, can also mark the beginning of a new and better chapter. Your life doesn’t end here. By embracing these self-promises, you can navigate the early stages of separation with strength and clarity, paving the way for a brighter future.
Read next:
The 5 things I learned from my divorce
