Discover why children lie, what it reveals about their development and how to respond with understanding to encourage honesty and trust.
As parents, finding out that your child has told a lie can be frustrating and concerning. Whether it’s a small fib about finishing homework or a more elaborate false statement, understanding why kids lie is essential in guiding them toward honesty.
Lying is a common behaviour in childhood. While it might worry you, it is often a natural part of child development and a way your child learns to navigate challenges.
The psychology of lying
Children and adults all lie for similar reasons:
- Lying can give a sense of control or safety over a situation by shaping it to the person’s advantage.
- It serves as a defence mechanism, creating the illusion of protection from vulnerability.
- Opening up and revealing one’s true actions or self carries the risk of rejection, criticism or disappointment from others, making dishonesty feel like a safer choice.
- Lying provides a temporary escape from situations that would require facing difficult or overwhelming emotions or the thought of punishment.
When a child makes an untrue statement, they are engaging in a complex cognitive process that involves memory, imagination and social awareness. In some cases, children lie to avoid punishment. In others, they may be testing social boundaries, trying to appear cool or impulsive, or trying to be polite and please the other person.
Younger children tend to tell exaggerated or easily detectable stories. These are more like fairy tales in their minds rather than trying to intentionally lie. In older kids, the lies are more developed and convincing, making them harder to distinguish from the truth.
From a young age, kids begin to grasp the difference between honesty and deception, but it takes time for them to fully understand the impact or consequences of their lies. Their perception of truth is also shaped by their home environment—if lying is seen as amusing, beneficial or a means of safety, they may view it as acceptable, regardless of how “wrong” it might seem to others.
The role of the home
A child’s honesty is deeply influenced by the emotional atmosphere of their home. When children feel secure, valued and understood, they are more likely to share their thoughts, mistakes and struggles without great hesitation or fear. In a home where mistakes are met with patience and guidance rather than harsh consequences, truthfulness becomes a more natural choice.
While it’s natural for children (and adults) to fear confessing or facing the impact of their bad choices, it makes the process a whole lot easier when they know they are safe and loved, even if they have made a mistake.
If a child grows up in an environment where mistakes lead to severe punishment, shame or emotional withdrawal, lying can become a survival strategy. Rather than risk disappointment or rejection, they may choose dishonesty as a way to protect themselves. Over time, this can shape their perception of truth—not as a foundation for trust, but as something to be carefully managed to avoid conflict or maintain approval.
Ultimately, a child’s willingness to be truthful depends on whether they associate honesty with safety and acceptance. When home is a place where they can be open without fear of harsh repercussions, they are far more likely to develop integrity and a healthy relationship with the truth.
Common reasons why children lie
Children lie for various reasons. Understanding these common motivations can help parents respond with empathy and guide kids toward honesty.
Avoiding punishment
One of the most common primary reasons children lie is to escape consequences. If a child breaks a house rule—like accidentally knocking over a vase—and fears punishment, they may resort to a lie to protect themselves. Hiding the broken glass is easy and in their best interests if the home has strict rules with little room for mistakes.
Gaining approval
Children sometimes lie to make themselves look better in the eyes of others. Whether it’s exaggerating about their performance in school or pretending they have something they don’t, these lies often stem from a desire to fit in and impress people.
Meeting expectations
When children grow up in an environment where perfection is the standard, they may feel compelled to lie to maintain an illusion of success. If they believe that failure is unacceptable, they might hide their mistakes rather than admit them. This pressure can lead to an ongoing cycle of dishonesty and fear of disappointing others. Perfectionism is a toxic dynamic and can cause trauma.
Testing boundaries
As children grow, they experiment with social norms. They might lie as a way of testing what they can get away with. These are not necessarily a deliberate intent to deceive but rather an exploration of how the world reacts to their actions.
Imitating adults
Young kids learn from their surroundings. If they see parents or other adults telling white lies—like saying they are sick to avoid going to work—they may adopt similar behaviours.
Avoiding embarrassment
If a child is struggling with school or social situations, they may lie to protect their self-esteem. For instance, they might say they weren’t invited to a birthday party because they were out of town rather than admitting they weren’t included.
People pleasing
Kids who struggle with people pleasing often lie because they don’t want to disappoint anyone. They might say that the food tasted great so as not to offend mum. Or they may tell cousin Jo she doesn’t look bad in that dress, even though she clearly doesn’t fit it. For people pleasers, honesty can feel risky—what if telling the truth means someone gets upset, disapproves or stops liking them?
Instead of seeing truth as safe, they see lying as a way to keep the peace, make others happy and avoid feeling like a failure. Kids who are people pleasers are keenly observant of facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, making them experts at reading others. This is a safety mechanism and often one that they take with them throughout their entire lives.
Honour versus honesty mindset
Many families emphasise the importance of being honourable, which often gets conflated with maintaining a flawless reputation rather than being truthful. In such environments, children learn that preserving family honour is more important than honesty. Encouraging children to prioritise honesty over image fosters healthier, more authentic relationships and emotional wellbeing.
Here are some everyday examples of honour statements versus honesty.
Honour
“Mum has always been like that. That’s just how she is.”
Honesty
“Mum really hurts my feelings when she speaks harshly. She’s spoken like that to me most of my life. Even though I understand she has a mental illness, it still hurts.”
Honour
“Dad works really hard to provide for our family. He always makes sure we have what we need.”
Honesty
“Dad works hard to provide for our family, but I do wish he would spend more time with us as a family. We always have what we need, but we miss him a lot.”
Honour
“I don’t mind if you have to take my baby brother to his appointment. I can walk to school.”
Honesty
“While I don’t necessarily mind walking to school, I often feel like you prioritise my baby brother’s appointments over things that are important to me. I would like to feel like my schedule matters more to you.”
It’s vitally important to create a truth check in your home. If you haven’t grown up with one yourself, it’s going to be challenging. But it’s essential if you want your relationships to be deep and connected and if you want your children to tell the truth.
Different types of lies
Lies can range from harmless exaggerations to deliberate falsehoods with varying age-appropriate consequences. Understanding these distinctions can help parents respond appropriately.
White lies
These types of lies are smaller in scale and significance, and a child may use them because they’ve seen others do it.
Tall tales
Younger children often engage in storytelling that blurs the line between fantasy and reality. They may say they saw a dragon in the backyard or that they have a magical pet. This is more of a case of wishful thinking, having a rich fantasy life full of imagination rather than a character flaw.
Big lies
These are more serious false statements that children make to cover up misbehaviour or avoid consequences. They may be due to a power struggle going on between the child and parent, to avoid punishment or due to low self-esteem.
False belief
Sometimes, children do not tell outright lies but instead create misleading impressions. For example, a child may say they studied for a test when they only glanced at their notes.
How to respond when your child lies
It’s important to respond to lying with wisdom, compassion and strategy. While parents everywhere have different beliefs on whether there are acceptable lies or the type of consequences, it’s important to provide a safe environment for mistakes while at the same time reinforcing what is true. This will prepare them for the real world.
Here are 10 tips to address dishonesty in children:
1. Stay calm
Reacting with anger may push your child to become more deceptive in the future.
2. Understand the motive
Ask why they felt the need to lie before jumping to conclusions. Simple questions in a relaxed conversation with your child can greatly help you understand why they lied.
3. Model honesty
Reinforce the idea that telling the truth, even when difficult, is always best, and follow through with this by your actions and your words. Good role models are much more powerful influencers than mere words.
4. Set clear expectations
Let your child know that honesty is a family value and that perfectionism is not what is wanted. Help them understand that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s always better to just be open about it rather than causing others to distrust them by trying to hide and lie about it.
5. Avoid trapping them
Instead of asking, “Did you do this?” when you know they did, say, “I noticed this happened. Let’s talk about it.”
6. Teach the consequences of lying
Explain how dishonesty can break trust and create problems. Talk to them about how they would feel if someone they trust lied to them. Make the conversations and consequences age appropriate.
7. Make it safe to tell the truth
Ensure your child feels they can be honest without fear of extreme punishment. Sometimes, the best policy is to not punish your child if they have willingly confessed, as they may view confession as pointless. Of course, this can depend on the severity of the lie, but it can work like magic in stopping problematic behaviour or secret keeping.
8. Praise truthfulness
Recognise and reinforce honest behaviour.
9. Use real-life examples
Share stories from your own mistakes, helping them to understand that honesty is crucial to life and relationships.
10. Seek professional help if needed
If you are concerned that your home dynamics are causing your child to feel unsafe, it’s important to seek support for both yourself and your child to work to correct it.
Honesty pays more
Thinking back to the last time you lied, you’ve probably discovered that it was motivated by one of the reasons we’ve spoke about in this article. Your kids are no different. Understanding that we all struggle with the truth for various reasons will help you approach your child’s lying appropriately.
Your child’s age and development will greatly determine their cognitive ability to fathom concepts including moral issues, so it’s important to respond differently to your older children lying compared to your toddler.
Help your child learn that honesty “pays” more than lying. It could impact their career, marriage and even their finances.
Read next: Understanding angry kids: A guide for parents
