[Warning: This story talks about abuse.] Sibling rivalry is normal but what if it’s something more sinister? What if it’s sibling violence? Here’s how to tell the difference.
As parents, we often expect some level of sibling rivalry in our homes. Children argue, compete for attention and sometimes even fight over toys or space. It’s frustrating, but it’s to be expected.
Most of the time, sibling conflict is harmless and part of normal child development. Yet, there is a fine line between typical sibling rivalry and something much more concerning: Sibling domestic violence. Recognising the signs of sibling abuse is crucial for the wellbeing of your children. It can help prevent long-term harm in their lives and their future generations.
When sibling rivalry turns into sibling violence
Sibling violence goes beyond typical rivalry. It involves harmful, aggressive behaviour that is intended to cause physical or emotional harm to the other sibling. It can occur in various forms, including physical aggression and emotional, verbal or sexual abuse. It can also involve financial and social abuse and include stalking or harassment.
Physical abuse and aggression
Physical violence, such as hitting, slapping, kicking or choking, is a clear sign that sibling rivalry has crossed the line into sibling violence. It’s important for parents to intervene immediately if they notice these behaviours. Physical aggression can have a lasting impact on the emotional and physical wellbeing of the harmed child.
Emotional and psychological abuse
Just like domestic violence, sibling abuse is not always physical. Emotional abuse can involve verbal bullying, constant insults, humiliation, manipulation or threats.
Sexual abuse
In some cases, sibling violence escalates to sexual abuse, as the abuser is seeking another element of control over the victim.
Financial abuse
When a sibling demands money from their sibling or steals their money or personal belongings for financial gain, this is not acceptable, and it is clearly abusive behaviour.
Social abuse
Social abuse is interfering with a person’s social decisions and interactions with others. When a sibling tries to dominate who their sibling sees or communicates with, or makes their sibling stop seeing friends or family, this is a form of abuse.
Stalking and harassment
Stalking can include physical surveillance and following, but it can also include going through the person’s phone, monitoring calls or texts, or refusing to stop asking questions or contact.
Spiritual abuse
This type of abuse can be difficult to spot, especially if you are in a strict religious environment. A sibling may try to control their sibling by stopping them from doing certain things or forcing them to do specific things. They may ridicule them or use coercive control to prevent them from making their own decisions.
Hannah’s* story
I was raised in what I considered, at the time, a normal-ish home. My mum was a single parent and my younger brother and I visited my dad every second weekend. We struggled a lot financially but always had food on the table.
My brother was three years younger than me and for the most part we had great interactions as kids. We fought, and being the older child, I would boss him around. We would both run to mum to dob on each other, but then half-an-hour later we would be outside playing happily.
My brother usually got himself into trouble for various reasons and was also heavily spoilt. The standard that was expected from me wasn’t expected from him, and he always seemed to get away with things. He also didn’t have the same level of care and concern for others that I had. He expected things to always work out the way he wanted them to and if they didn’t, he would throw a tantrum until mum would finally give in.
This seemingly “childish” cycle would continue into his teens, except now a lot had changed. There weren’t any consequences that mum felt she could give him that would work. He was bigger and stronger and didn’t respond to anyone. He was also now heavily addicted to drugs and she felt the extreme need to “save” him. Over his childhood, he had so successfully wound people around his finger that now, his “rude” and “cheeky” behaviour wasn’t actually that anymore—it was abuse, but they didn’t see it as that.
My brother started running away from home and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. He would demand money, transport and pick-ups in the middle of the night from my mum. All she could think about was to protect him from further harm, which turned her into his most helpful accomplice. I was completely forgotten about.
When he wasn’t couch surfing, he would be at home, raging and shouting for some reason or another—whether it was for money, a new phone or transport to a drug dealer. He would punch walls, threaten physical harm to everyone and not respond to anyone’s requests for peace.
All this time, the perception from my mum was that his behaviour was essentially nothing more than “impolite”. He hadn’t learnt his manners. Everyone else in the house, including me, would be made to apologise for being upset with him, upset that he had screamed at us for three hours and punched holes in the wall beside us. Apparently we were disrespecting him by telling him we didn’t want to be treated like that.
Each time I would beg my mum to keep me safe from him, to kick him out or to call the police, she would come up with an excuse that he just needed support, better friends or more understanding. She never could see that the real situation was abuse and violence. I was never allowed to call the police or tell anyone what was happening, and so for eight long and hellish years, I had to endure a living nightmare, all because someone hadn’t “learnt their manners”. A common form of abuse was happening right under our noses, but none of the adults in my home wanted to acknowledge it, because it would mean they would have to take action for something they didn’t want to.
I had incredibly bad anxiety, insomnia and night terrors. I never felt safe and could never relax for a moment. When I finally was old enough and capable enough to leave home, the flashbacks, the nightmares and the anxiety only increased. I didn’t realise I had complex PTSD until six years later, while going through therapy for the first time. It took me six years since I moved out of home to realise that what was going on in my home was not impolite and rude behaviour.
I’ll never forget the day when I was able to call it for what it was: Abuse. Growing up, I was made to believe that abuse only came in the form of physical or sexual harm. For abuse to be “real”, it had to have evidence a doctor could look at, like a bruise or an injury. Mental and emotional violence couldn’t be seen under a microscope, so in my family, it didn’t matter.
I felt guilty at first for calling it abuse. I felt the feelings that I had been trained to default to my whole life: Sympathy. I was always made to feel sorry for my abuser and if I didn’t, it was probably because there was something in my spiritual life that wasn’t right with God. When in actuality, perpetrators will work with stunning precision to win everyone onto their side in order for them to continue their abuse.
My brother has continued this system of violence and control for the past 13 years over anyone and everyone he comes into contact with. I made the decision five years ago to completely and permanently disengage with him. My family has reacted to my decision with great disappointment. They have tried to shame me, guilt trip me and even say that I’m not a good Christian or forgiving enough. But I know the truth now and I will never go back to living in denial.
Abuse should never be tolerated because you feel sorry for the person, because you think God expects you to tolerate it or because you don’t want to lose the relationship. The truth is, if you really love the person abusing you and want their best interest, then you need to stop the sympathy, stop the enabling and disengage with them, either temporarily or permanently.
Two years ago, after my mum had endured 13 long years of his domestic violence towards her, she had to go into emergency safe housing because my brother almost took her life. It should never have been allowed to get to that point, but when you live in fear of losing that person you love and live in a cycle of toxic codependency, you will almost do anything and endure anything.
Risk factors for sibling violence
Understanding the risk factors associated with sibling violence can help parents identify potential problems before they escalate. While sibling rivalry is normal, certain conditions can cause higher rates of violence and sibling abuse.
Family violence and intimate partner violence
Children exposed to family violence or intimate partner violence are at a higher risk of engaging in sibling violence. Domestic violence creates an environment where aggression is normalised, leading to increased sibling aggression and the possibility of abuse within the family.
Substance use
Substance abuse in the home—whether by the parents or the children—can increase the risk of physical aggression and violent outbursts. Drugs and alcohol impair judgement and can escalate conflict into violence.
Mental health issues
Children struggling with mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, conduct disorders or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are more likely to act out aggressively. These children may have trouble controlling their impulses and may engage in harmful behaviour toward their siblings.
History of child maltreatment or abuse trauma
Children or young people who have been victims of abuse or maltreatment are at higher risk for engaging in sibling violence. Abuse trauma can affect the way children behave toward others, particularly within their own family. These children may either replicate abusive behaviours they’ve witnessed or learned.
Aggressive behaviour and peer bullying
Children who engage in peer aggression are also more likely to engage in sibling violence. Bullying among peers can contribute to sibling aggression, as the child may transfer their learned behaviours from outside the home to interactions with their siblings.
How to tell the difference between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse
Recognising the difference between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse is critical for parents to act appropriately. Here are some key distinctions to help parents differentiate between the two:
Frequency and intensity
Sibling rivalry often involves occasional squabbles that are resolved quickly. Sibling violence, on the other hand, may involve ongoing aggression that escalates over time.
Intent to harm
While rivalry involves competition and jealousy, sibling violence involves a clear intent to harm or control the other sibling. Victims of sibling abuse often feel threatened or fearful of their sibling’s actions.
Impact on the victim
Sibling rivalry may be stressful but generally doesn’t lead to lasting emotional or physical harm. Sibling violence, however, can leave lasting psychological trauma and physical injuries.
The impact of sibling domestic violence on children
Sibling violence can have serious consequences for both the aggressor and the victim. The emotional, physical and psychological damage inflicted can affect the child’s development, behaviour and ability to form healthy relationships later in life.
Short-term effects:
- Increased anxiety and fear, especially around the aggressive sibling
- Behavioural changes, such as withdrawal, acting out or poor school performance
- Physical injuries
- Emotional trauma, including feelings of worthlessness, isolation and confusion
Long-term effects:
- Increased risk of mental health issues such as depression, PTSD and anxiety disorders
- Difficulty trusting others or forming healthy relationships in the future
- Increased likelihood of perpetrating or experiencing intimate partner violence or domestic violence in adulthood
- Poor coping mechanisms, including substance use or aggressive behaviour
What parents can do to prevent and address sibling violence
If you notice signs of sibling violence in your home, it’s essential to intervene as soon as possible. The longer the abuse goes unchecked, the more damaging it can be to your children’s wellbeing. Here are some steps you can take:
1. Set clear boundaries and expectations
Establish rules for acceptable behaviour within your home. Make sure your children understand the difference between playful rivalry and harmful violence. Clearly communicate that aggression, bullying and emotional abuse will not be tolerated.
2. Monitor interactions
Keep a close watch on how your children interact with each other. Be mindful of how they resolve conflicts and whether physical or emotional abuse is occurring. If you notice any signs of violence, intervene immediately and address the behaviour.
3. Teach conflict resolution
Encourage your children to express their feelings and resolve conflicts peacefully. Teach them how to manage their emotions without resorting to aggression or bullying. Offer strategies for resolving disagreements calmly and respectfully.
4. Model healthy relationships
As a parent, you set the example for how relationships should function. Show your children what a healthy, non-violent relationship looks like by modelling respect, empathy and effective communication.
5. Seek professional help
If sibling violence continues or escalates, it may be necessary to seek professional help. A family therapist, school counsellor or child psychologist can help address the underlying issues contributing to sibling abuse. In extreme cases, it may be necessary to involve child protective services to ensure the safety of your children.
Protecting your children
Child abuse doesn’t always look like a creepy person in a car doing a drive-by. It could be happening in your own home from your own child. It’s crucial as a parent to get your head out of the sand and intervene for both the victim and the perpetrator.
It should be a high priority for your kids to have a healthy sibling relationship, one that can carry them through life and be an anchor during tough times. Siblings are the closest family members apart from parents, and it should be a safe and endearing bond.
* Name has been changed for privacy.
If you or someone you know needs help, contact:
Lifeline: 13 11 14 Australia | 0800 54 33 54 New Zealand
Is it just sibling rivalry or something worse?
