Emotional intelligence is the secret sauce to helping our kids handle life’s ups and downs, make friends and grow up to be kind and successful.
There’s a lot more to raising happy, successful kids than just helping them ace their spelling tests or maths homework. Let’s dive into what emotional intelligence means and why it matters. Most importantly, we’ll share with you some ways you can help your child build those all-important emotional skills at home.
What is emotional intelligence?
Think of emotional intelligence as your child’s “feelings toolkit”. It’s all about understanding one’s own emotions, figuring out what others are feeling and knowing how to handle all those big feelings—both good and bad. Kids with high emotional intelligence (or emotional quotient; EQ) tend to have stronger relationships, better mental health and just generally do better in daily life.
It’s not just about being “nice” or “sensitive”. It’s about having real emotional awareness, being able to manage negative emotions and having the social skills to connect with people. And guess what? These emotional abilities are just as important as any cognitive ability or personality trait your child might have.
Your child needs to develop strong interpersonal skills not just for family life or school, but for their future as an adult. One day, they’ll be someone’s partner, maybe a parent and their ability to navigate emotions will be key to building deep, healthy relationships. These emotional skills are just as important for their personal life as they are for their future career.
In the workplace, their job performance will often depend on their emotional competencies—how well they manage challenges, connect with others and stay resilient under pressure. These abilities directly impact their job satisfaction and even their social desirability.
That’s why it’s so important they learn emotion management—not just how to “control” emotions, but how to recognise, understand and express them honestly and safely. Teaching them to process feelings instead of suppressing them builds lifelong emotional intelligence, setting them up for success in every area of life.
Why emotional intelligence matters more than a high IQ
Having a high IQ is great, but emotional intelligence can actually be more important than IQ. Higher levels of IQ don’t automatically give you high emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is what actually helps people thrive—in relationships, at work and just in life. People with high emotional intelligence are more adaptable, handle stress better and build stronger relationships. Lower levels of emotional intelligence can make things like impulse control and empathy a real struggle.
Studies in neuroscience have shown that the limbic system—the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions—plays a key role in how children and adults interpret and respond to emotional experiences. When teaching kids about emotion management, it’s helpful to understand that their brains are still developing the ability to regulate reactions in a healthy way.
Researchers have explored ways of assessing these skills through emotional intelligence measures, such as the emotional competence inventory, which breaks emotional skills into specific items like emotional perception, the ability to accurately read others’ emotions and the use of emotional information to guide decision-making. These tools often help gauge trait emotional intelligence, which reflects a person’s natural tendencies toward empathy, self-control and awareness—traits that can be nurtured and strengthened over time.
There are all sorts of emotional intelligence tests out there, but you don’t need a fancy instrument or ability test to help your child grow their emotional intelligence. Just some regular daily-life practice, modelling it yourself, and lots of grace and love to share.
1. Name those feelings
Here’s where it all starts: Helping your child spot and name their emotional states. It sounds simple, but it’s a game-changer.
Use feeling words
Instead of just “happy” or “sad”, teach them words like “frustrated,” “excited” or “nervous”. Keep an emotion wheel or a feelings word list handy for younger kids.
Daily check-ins
At dinner or bedtime, ask everyone to share the best and hardest part of their day and what feelings came up. You go first—kids love it when their parents are honest about their own emotional states.
Books and stories
Read books where characters go through different emotions. Pause and ask, “How do you think she feels right now?” It’s a fun way to sneak in some emotional understanding.
2. Welcome all feelings (even the messy ones)
Sometimes (maybe a little more than we would like), our kids’ emotions are big, loud and not exactly convenient. But it’s so important to let them know that all feelings, even the tough or negative emotions, are totally normal.
Validate, don’t dismiss
If your child is upset, try saying, “I can see you’re really mad right now, and that’s okay.” It helps them feel seen and heard. Not all feelings are true, but all feelings have a reason behind them.
Emotion charades
Make a game of acting out different feelings and guessing what they are. It’s silly, but it helps kids notice emotional cues in others, a key aspect of social awareness.
3. Teach them how to handle big feelings
High emotional intelligence isn’t about never getting upset, it’s about knowing what to do when those feelings hit. Here are some mum-tested tricks:
Breathe it out
Teach your child to take deep breaths or count to 10 when they’re upset. Practise together so it feels natural when they need it.
Problem-solving together
If there’s a meltdown over a broken toy or a fight with a friend, walk through solutions together. “What could we try next time?” helps build real emotional competence.
Model it yourself
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, talk through it out loud: “I’m really frustrated, so I’m going to take a minute to calm down.” You’re showing them what emotional maturity looks like in real life.
4. Build strong relationships
Social skills are a huge part of emotional intelligence. Kids with high emotional intelligence can read the room, make friends and handle tricky social stuff.
Practise listening
Give your child your full attention when they talk and encourage them to do the same. It teaches empathy and respect.
Role-play
Act out common scenarios, like asking to join a game or dealing with teasing. It’s a safe way to practise before the real thing.
Emotion target game
Tape up some feeling cards and toss bean bags at them. When you hit one, share a story about when you felt that way. It’s fun and gets everyone talking.
5. Celebrate the little wins
Building emotional intelligence is a journey, not a race. Celebrate every little step your child takes.
Praise the effort
“I’m so proud you told me you were sad instead of just yelling.” It goes a long way!
Recognise mistakes happen
Remind your child (and yourself!) that everyone messes up sometimes. What matters is learning from it.
Quick tips for mums
- Be the example: Talk about your own feelings and how you handle them.
- Make home a safe place: Let your child know it’s okay to talk about any feeling, any time.
- Use stories and games: Make learning about emotions fun and part of your routine.
- Check-in often: Don’t wait for a meltdown—make feelings talk a regular thing.
- Be patient: Emotional intelligence takes time. Celebrate progress, not perfection.
If you’re still getting your head around the importance of emotional intelligence, that’s completely okay. Don’t be afraid to ask for help—from other mums who understand it or by diving into a good book or podcast on the topic. It really is a different way of moving through life—one that’s often gentler, more connected and surprisingly freeing. You might just find yourself thinking, Why didn’t I learn this sooner?
Not just soothing
Talking to your kids about feelings isn’t just about avoiding tantrums or smoothing over sibling squabbles. It’s about giving them the tools to handle whatever life throws at them, build stronger relationships and grow into amazing humans.
Every chat about feelings is a chance to boost your child’s emotional intelligence. With a little patience, a lot of empathy and some simple everyday habits, you’re setting them up for a lifetime of happiness and resilience.
So, the next time your little one is melting down or bursting with joy, remember: You’re not just raising a smart kid—you’re raising a kid with a high EQ, ready to take on the world with heart.
Read next: Raising an emotionally intelligent child
