5
(3)

Wondering how the Gottman Method can help your marriage? Here are 3 simple ways to build lasting love and a stronger connection.

Making predictions is always risky business. People have lost fortunes relying on someone else’s best guess about the future. But people have also lost fortunes because they didn’t believe a prediction. Just think about the director from the Decca Recording Company who failed to sign the Beatles in 1962 because he didn’t like their sound and believed guitar music was on its way out.

Or consider Darryl Zanuck, a producer at 20th Century Fox, who predicted in 1969 that “television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night”. Then there was Ken Olsen, president of Digital Equipment Corporation, who boldly declared in 1977, “There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.”

History is full of wrong predictions. But what if someone could predict the success of your relationship with surprising accuracy? What if a psychologist could observe you and your spouse in the early years of marriage and forecast—with over 90 per cent accuracy—whether you would remain happily together or separate and divorce?

That’s exactly what Dr John Gottman and his wife, Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman, have done for more than 40 years.

Predicting the success of a marriage

In the 1980s, Dr John Gottman began studying married couples. With his colleague Robert Levenson, he created the now-famous Love Lab at the University of Washington. Couples were invited to spend time in a cosy apartment-like setting while being closely observed. They weren’t just being watched; their heart rates, blood pressure, sweat production and even subtle physical movements were measured.

The aim? To answer big questions many married people quietly wonder about:

  • Why is marriage sometimes so hard?
  • Why do some couples click for life while others drift apart?
  • What can we do to protect and strengthen our marriages over time?
  • What truly makes for healthy relationships and how can I create that with my spouse?

After years of observation and follow-up studies, Dr John and Dr Julie concluded they could predict with 90 per cent accuracy which couples would stay together. Their research showed that success in marriage wasn’t about wealth, education or even personality. It came down to simple daily habits that either built or tore down a connection.

He labelled the thriving marriages “Masters of Marriage” and the struggling ones “Disasters of Marriage”. The difference? 

The Masters created what he called emotionally intelligent marriages, unions where positive interactions outweighed the negative ones, where respect and admiration were actively nurtured, and where partners turned toward each other in small but consistent ways. Stronger relationships relied on many simple things, which, when done often and repeatedly over the years, made for a deeper connection and ultimately a successful relationship.

The 3 signs your marriage will last

According to the Gottman Method, thriving marriages have three clear practices. These are not complicated strategies—they’re simple shifts you can weave into your daily life to strengthen your connection with your partner.

1. Enhance your “love maps”

Happy couples know each other’s inner worlds. They know their partner’s current stresses at work, the little things that bring joy, their hopes for the future, their deepest fears and even the trivial details, like how they take their coffee or which TV show makes them laugh.

These mental “maps” of each other’s world aren’t fixed; they are constantly updated. A husband may know his wife is worried about their toddler’s sleep routine. A wife may know her husband is nervous about asking for a raise. By keeping these maps current, couples feel connected and seen.

Dr John found that couples with strong love maps had resilience. When financial stress, parenting challenges or health issues appeared, they could lean on their understanding of each other. They didn’t crumble because they had already built a deep base of knowledge and empathy.

For you, this might mean asking your husband about his day and really listening. It might mean remembering that he has a difficult meeting tomorrow and texting encouragement. Or it could mean sharing your own fears and hopes openly, trusting he will hold them gently.

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration

Every healthy relationship needs a foundation of respect. Dr John’s research revealed that admiration is one of the strongest predictors of a lasting marriage. Couples who succeed make a habit of noticing the good in each other, even when flaws are apparent.

Think about it: It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos of motherhood, school runs, meal prep and endless to-do lists. In the middle of the mess, you may find yourself frustrated with your spouse’s quirks or shortcomings. But successful couples keep their admiration alive. They remember why they fell in love and continue to communicate that appreciation.

This doesn’t have to mean grand gestures. It could be as simple as:

  • “Thanks for helping with the dishes.”
  • “I love how patient you were with the kids today.”
  • “You make me laugh when I need it most.”

According to Dr John, having a positive perspective of your partner acts like armour when storms hit. It helps couples avoid spiralling into resentment and negative conflict patterns. When you focus on admiration, it’s easier to say, “I’m frustrated about this situation,” rather than, “You never listen to me.”

In other words, nurturing fondness and admiration is like making small daily deposits into your marriage’s emotional bank account. Those deposits build strength you can draw on during harder seasons. If, however, there is very little “currency”in the bank, then when a challenging or tense moment hits, there’s nothing to draw on, and you end up in the red.

“Fondness and admiration,” Dr John wrote, “can be fragile unless you remain aware of just how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage.”

3. Turn toward each other

Perhaps the most practical of all, Dr John found that successful couples turn toward each other rather than away. Every day, we make small bids for attention: A smile, a question, a sigh, a comment about the price of tomatoes in the supermarket.

When a partner responds warmly by acknowledging, showing interest or offering affection, they’re turning toward. When they ignore, dismiss or react with irritation, they’re turning away. Over time, these small moments add up. Imagine you smile at your husband while folding laundry. If he smiles back, he’s saying, “I see you. I’m with you.” If he ignores it, the emotional distance grows.

This habit fuels emotional connection, intimacy and even passion. Romance, according to the Gottman Method, isn’t built on exotic getaways or expensive dinners. It’s built into everyday life: A gentle touch, a listening ear, a warm response.

These little moments matter deeply. Between nappies, laundry and work pressures, romance can feel like it’s slipping away. But turning toward each other, even with a small smile or hug, keeps the spark alive. There are lots of simple new ways you can bring romance into your relationship without it being something huge and grand. Think back to your first dates with your husband and all the little ways you used to flirt with each other, show admiration and affection. Those ways work then and they can still most certainly work now.

Turning towards each other is especially important in times of challenges. Often in a marriage, many solvable problems arise that, with the right tools, you and your spouse can easily tackle without needing a therapist. However, if you don’t have these tools, even minor relationship issues can quickly escalate into major problems.

The pitfalls that will cause your marriage to fail

Dr John also identified what destroys marriages. The “Disasters of Marriage” developed habits of negativity that eroded love and respect. Common pitfalls included:

  • Starting off harshly. They commenced discussions in a negative, hurtful tone of voice.
  • Criticism. They often criticised each other and focused on each other’s failures.
  • Contempt. They conveyed their disgust for each other, often by rolling their eyes, sighing or looking away.
  • Defensiveness. They rarely took ownership of the issue that was being discussed.
  • Stonewalling. Shutting down emotionally or physically. They looked away from their partner in a discussion and read the paper, watched TV or made a phone call. They were saying to their partner, “I just don’t care about what you’re saying right now.”
  • Failed repair attempts. Negative interactions that outweighed the positive. They failed to put on the brakes when things got heated. Instead, they kept driving the argument so they could win.
  • Bad memories. They interpreted their relationship history in the same way they saw the present—in negative terms.

Couples stuck in these negative patterns often find their relationship health deteriorates quickly—resentment grows, intimacy fades and eventually separation or divorce can follow.

How to avoiding the pitfalls

The key is to replace harsh or dismissive behaviour with honesty, respect and validation. Here are some examples:

Harsh criticism → Gentle honesty

Criticism attacks character: “You always make such a big deal about money. You embarrass me in front of our friends.”

Gentle honesty shares your feelings without invalidating your partner: “Honey, I know money is tight and we’re both trying hard. I just feel embarrassed sometimes when the bill comes up with friends. Could we handle it more privately?”

Contempt → Respectful honesty

Contempt shows disgust: “You’re just like your dad. It makes me sick.”

Respectful honesty names the problem with care: “I know you had a hard day, but yelling at our son won’t help either of you. Next time, could we pause and talk about it together later? I know you want to be the best parent you can be and I’m here to support you.”

Defensiveness → Active listening

Instead of interrupting or getting defensive, first reflect on what you heard: “So what I’m hearing is that you thought I wasn’t planning to offer Pop lunch and that felt unthoughtful?”

Then clarify respectfully: “I’m sorry it came across that way. I just know he usually brings his own, but of course, I’ll have food ready. Hospitality really matters to me, too.”

In this video, psychologist Collet Smart shares more tips on active listening.

Stonewalling → Calm pause

Instead of shutting down or walking away in silence, express your need for space: “I’m getting worked up and I don’t want to say something hurtful. I need a short break to calm down, but I promise we’ll come back to this.”

Finally, remember Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. For every one piece of negative feedback, aim to offer at least five meaningful, positive interactions. When your spouse feels admired, loved and emotionally safe, they’ll be far more open to hearing the occasional critique.

The bottom line

The Gottman Method couples therapy is grounded in over 40 years of scientific research. For those who want to strengthen their marriages, the message is clear:

  • Build your love maps by staying curious about your partner’s world.
  • Nurture fondness and admiration through small, daily expressions of appreciation.
  • Turn toward each other in everyday moments to keep your emotional bond strong and healthy.

These aren’t complicated strategies. They’re simple, repeatable habits. But they make the difference between marriages that survive—and those that thrive.

So, the next time you’re standing in the kitchen and your husband makes a small comment about his day, see it as an opportunity. Look up. Respond with interest. Share a smile. It may feel tiny, but these are the building blocks of a lasting, vibrant marriage.

Because in the end, what makes marriages last isn’t luck, wealth or grand gestures. It’s choosing—again and again, in the small everyday moments—to turn toward love.

If you have issues in your relationship that you just cannot manage, it’s important to seek out both individual sessions with a therapist and shared therapy sessions as a couple. This can go a long way in helping you both learn conflict resolution, build shared meaning in the relationship outside of the usual “house and kids”, and learn how to communicate and share fondness with each other again.

What next? Read:

How helpful was this article?

Click on a star to rate it!

5 / 5. 3

Be the first to rate this post!