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[Warning: This story talks about sexual abuse, porn use, violence and suicidal ideation.]

Hannah and Mike* were in love, connected and always had fun with each other, doing everything together. But beneath the surface, addiction was slowly eroding all the good and beautiful about their lives. As told to Adriana Wales.

I was eight years into my marriage when, by accident, I discovered porn on my husband’s phone. The shock was intense. In that moment, it felt like my entire world, the trust, safety and love that we had, collapsed beneath me.

Everything I believed our marriage stood on and for seemed to be dissolving in front of me, with nothing I could do about it. The world I had built my life upon gave way, like a house built on sand.

The beginning: 13 years earlier

Mike and I met in our late teens, became best friends and soon fell in love. We could tell each other everything; nothing was off the table and we both felt completely safe and could be honest about everything. Almost.

At one point, before we started dating, porn came up in a conversation. I could tell he was avoidant and ashamed, and it was awkward. He told me he struggled with it, but the details were very brief and the conversation ended with the conclusion that he was working on it.

It felt positive. 

As we were both Christians, we didn’t want to participate in porn. There were a variety of reasons, but especially so we could build our relationship on a solid connection, bonding to each other with an exclusive sexual link. 

When we started going out, very little more was said about porn. I had the impression that he didn’t like talking about it, but I also thought it was mostly a problem of the past. I had never had an addiction before and didn’t have any massive sexual struggles that caused me to act out, so I assumed he was the same.

A traumatic past

A year into our marriage, my husband told me he was sexually abused as a child several times by a male. As a teen, he was sexually abused again by a group of older males, involving hardcore, horrific porn.

The traumatic introduction to porn at 13 years old stripped away whatever innocence Mike had left. He entered a world of horror mixed with pleasure, which made him feel safe, loved and welcomed, without any pressure or restrictions, but then spat him out like a piece of worthless trash, with no point to live.

Growing up in a traumatic household, he had no-one to turn to about the abuse he had endured. So he turned inward, isolating himself from the domestic violence going on in his home.

Porn became a “safe space” where he could escape, feel pleasure instead of pain and have a sense of control over his life. He told me how each time he used porn, he would feel more and more intense feelings of shame, worthlessness and suicidal thoughts. The chase never gave what it promised and no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t fill the ache with pleasure.

The addiction spiralled out of control. As a teenager, he used porn multiple times a week, hiding it from everyone.

Our first years of marriage

During our first two years of marriage, we had the most amazing time. Everything we had ever dreamed. We lived life to the full, had an amazing sex life and were best friends, soulmates to the core. 

Then life became incredibly stressful due to our jobs, in-laws and past traumas resurfacing. I started having strange urges to ask if he still struggled with porn. I dismissed these thoughts by telling myself it was my own trauma (my dad had cheated on my mum) playing up.

If he were struggling, of course he would tell me, I reasoned.

During this time, he would share podcasts with me of how other men had overcome their porn addictions. I assumed it was inspiring to him because he had struggled in the past. Then he started reading books on the topic and even did a course with a psychologist.

Still, there was never any talk that he was struggling with porn. I assumed he was just doing it to work through any residual trauma or to help his mates.

As it turns out, he was hiding a private porn addiction all these years. It was a fierce addiction that left him many times ready to end his life, all unbeknownst to me. It affected our sex life and drove a silent wedge between us. I often couldn’t understand why he would overreact or be angry about things that to me felt so insignificant.

Discovery

When I found the porn, eight years into our marriage, I confronted him calmly and without antagonism. He couldn’t speak and his eyes were filled with fear. He broke down and told me everything.

It was one of the darkest moments of my life. I was so shocked and confused. I honestly didn’t know if he was about to tell me he had been cheating on me with other women. At that point, I just didn’t know what to believe.

What followed for me was a concoction of intense feelings. At first, I felt intense pressure to have sex with him. I thought maybe he just needed more sex. Even though we had a great sex life, I wondered if perhaps he just needed more and that would “cure” his porn addiction.

In the video below, sexologist Dr Patricia Weerakoon details the effect of porn in marriage.

I also felt like punching him in the stomach and running away. In fact, I felt like running away very regularly in the early weeks after that.

I also felt terrible, intense shame to be naked around him. I felt like I was being exposed or compared to the thousands of other women’s bodies he’d seen online. Already having a tremendously low self-esteem about my body, this hit me with overwhelming force. I couldn’t shower with him, or get dressed or undressed as usual. I just wanted to hide, but at the same time, I desperately wanted to look beautiful to him.

It was an internal battle that left me feeling desperate. I felt overwhelming rejection and that I hadn’t been good enough all these years, which was why he had sought out porn. 

I spiralled into severe depression, unable to process the reality of my marriage, and our trust and friendship. Our love story felt like a total sham. The pain in my heart and mind was so intense I would cry alone for hours, scream and have suicidal thoughts. 

The main reason wasn’t that he had sought out porn, but that he had hid it from me so successfully, lied to me so well and kept me locked out of his internal battle.

What I now know 

What I now know is that porn doesn’t work the same as sex. Strangely enough, it’s completely different. The therapists we worked with assured us porn is not used primarily for sexual satisfaction, because ultimately, there isn’t really any of that. There’s a temporary pleasure, followed by unbearable feelings of shame and horror.

Porn isn’t about sexual satisfaction. It’s about escape, control and the feeling of freedom from the pressures of life. 

Like any addiction, porn promises everything, but gives nothing in return except for trauma, horror, a plethora of traumatic memories, images and scenes that your mind plays on loop even when you desperately try to make it stop.

Porn makes you feel like you can’t live or do anything in life without it. It makes you feel in control, able to choose whatever you want. There’s no connection or work required, there are no restrictions and you can run away to this world anytime you pull the phone out of your pocket. Porn feels like freedom until you try to quit.

Sexual abuse is a huge driver for porn addiction, as is shame, secrecy, hiding and dishonesty. All addictions thrive on secrecy; that’s their primary modus operandi. Honesty gives true freedom—something a person trapped in pornography longs for but often feels is out of reach.

How we worked through it

After the initial shock, we had several days of conversations. Mike let me ask him every and any question I wanted. And I asked a lot. Some of the conversations were intensely painful, but very much needed. In hindsight, we should have had a couple’s therapist with us during this difficult time. However, it all happened so fast and there wasn’t anyone available.

Then, for a few months, the conversations went back to what they had been: spasmodic, occasional and with tension. We did not speak much about the topic. We had internet blockers put in all our devices to help prevent relapse.

A few months later, he confessed to using again and that he had been for a few months. I was absolutely devastated. It again felt like my trust had been taken advantage of and I felt like he was stealing from me.

At that point, I felt like I was only staying with him because I knew how much work he had tried to do to get rid of the addiction over the years; the books, podcasts and courses. I knew he had tried hard.

I also knew he didn’t deserve to be ravaged by this addiction any longer. From the age of 13 to 30, minus the first two years of our marriage, the pain had gone on long enough. He was desperate for help and although I was hurt, I truly knew he was genuine and earnest.  

I ultimately decided to write him a comprehensive impact letter, detailing how his hiding, secrecy and pornography use affected me. I felt that unless I fully expressed my pain, he might not grasp the impact that these behaviours were having on our relationship. Addictions have a way of distorting a person’s thoughts and leading them to justify, excuse or rationalise their actions.

He considered going to a sexual rehab centre, but we eventually chose to see a sex addiction therapist and a couples psychologist. He also started attending Sexual Addiction Anonymous meetings, but stopped after a few sessions as he found them to be more triggering than helpful. 

Seeking to learn from our mistakes, we started a daily check-in conversation, where we talked about our day, what triggers we had, if there had been any urges to search for porn, masturbation, or feelings or thoughts that were distorted or intrusive.

We actually kept it up. There was no more tension or awkwardness for the most part, because at that point I think we both understood there was no other way around this.

Where we’re at now

While I know many couples’ stories don’t go this way, for us, from that dark time of despair, we discovered a much deeper love, trust and connection than we ever could have imagined.

The band-aid was ripped off painfully, but it ultimately saved our lives. If I had never found the porn on his phone, who knows how long he would have continued hiding his struggles and how much longer he could have endured the pain. Who knows how many more years our marriage would have suffered, how much greater the pain would have been, the longer it was left unsaid.

As a Christian, I’m reminded of a story where Jesus talks about a seed falling to the ground into darkness and seemingly dying. But from that dark place, a beautiful new birth occurs and a plant grows, flourishing and thriving upwards into the light.

We can really see this in our story. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it.

While there hasn’t been any major relapses, we will always need to be on guard and be highly intentional about our environment. Stress, anxiety, depression, anger, rejection or loneliness can often be a trigger for porn users, and because of that, we try to deal with things intentionally, promptly and set up our lives in such a way that we aren’t bombarded with triggers.

We still keep up our daily check-ins and I’m grateful to say that with time and therapy, the triggers for my husband have slowly faded. While there are still challenging times, they aren’t overwhelming for him like they used to be. He feels supported, honest and connected, and he knows he has me and a team of people ready to support him when he needs it.

He’s much more confident in himself and capable. He has learned how to be mindful, how to seek help, how to say “I can’t do this on my own” and how to prepare for triggers.

Porn is everywhere

Today, anyone can access pornography at any time and from anywhere. There are countless horror stories of children stumbling across pornographic material, becoming addicted or even worse, mimicking what they see on their siblings or peers.

Sex becomes grotesquely represented, turning into a violent, dehumanising and objectifying experience, akin to the games of gladiators. Teens are led to believe that sex must be violent to be romantic or dark to be enjoyable. This issue also brings up the critical topic of consent. Meanwhile, the porn industry rakes in billions of dollars per year, profiting from the exploitation and trafficking of vulnerable individuals, destroying lives in the process.

While many websites claim to verify users’ ages, in reality it often amounts to nothing more than clicking a button. Many content blockers are not advanced enough to filter out all porn. For someone battling pornography, that can feel like a world of fear and temptation—like trying to overcome an alcohol addiction while being surrounded by bottle shops, including one that is constantly in your pocket.

Research shows that 70 per cent of men use porn and 30 per cent of women. Many were raised with almost no talk about sex from their parents, giving them no preparation for the dangers. Many also report not having anyone to talk to when they were children about the difficult things that were going on, resulting in toxic coping mechanisms.

If you or someone you love is struggling with a sexual addiction, there is help available. It’s never too late.

Resources we used

* Names have been changed.

Read next: What my husband’s pornography habit did to our marriage

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