How do you start to feel as night time approaches? Do you send fervent prayers that the kids will stay in their own bed tonight? The whole night? Or just for a few hours so you can get a blissful few hours of shut-eye?
I have worked with many families with toddlers who can’t stay in their own beds. They wake throughout the night and they need varying kinds of assistance from their parents to get them back to sleep.
Before working together, they were on a hamster wheel of taking their toddler back to bed, doing whatever it is that they do to get them to sleep, only to have them wake up and repeat the whole cycle again. No amount of laying with them, giving them another drink, patting them, holding their hand, singing, reading more books, bargaining, coaxing, bribing or milk feeds made a difference. Finally, they stop out of exhaustion and bring the toddler into their own bed, which doesn’t necessarily mean more sleep, just less of getting up to respond!
You are not alone
Does this sound familiar? I can assure you, you’re not alone. This is a common issue among parents, especially of toddlers, because they don’t know how to navigate the ongoing changes that can happen with their child’s sleep routines.
Changes need to occur in your toddler’s sleep routine as they get older. However, many parents make the mistake of responding with strategies that aim to get their children to sleep quicker overnight. Instead, all you need to do is tweak your routine and avoid some mistakes and your toddler’s sleep will stay on track.
8 tricks that will help your kid to stay in bed all night
Developmentally, there are aspects of independent sleep which toddlers won’t grasp just because they are in a new age bracket. They can be taught these sleep-related skills or they may eventuate later.
Here are some ways to encourage more sleep for your toddler.
1. When to move into a “big bed”
When it comes to keeping our toddlers in bed, we need to consider several developmental and behavioural aspects to their ever-changing presentation of sleep. It is exciting to move our children to the next stage but it doesn’t mean they will know or be comfortable navigating this change without support.
Timing is crucial for success. If a child is placed in a “big bed” before three years old, it doesn’t mean they have the impulse control to stay there. The best thing we can do is avoid moving them to the next stage because we want them to be there. Instead, wait until they are developmentally ready for a successful and smooth transition.
2. Doona on, doona off
Just because you give your child a doona doesn’t mean they can now use it effectively. Two- or three-year-olds can’t necessarily pull the doona over themselves just because they are given one. Instead, they wake up because the doona has come off and they are cold. They can’t replace the donna, so call out to their parents or end up in your bed because it is warm. This skill doesn’t eventuate until they are around four years old.
3. Fears and tears
Another typical reason your toddler can’t stay in their bed is because fears have started to become present overnight. This usually happens around two to three years old. It could be a fear of the dark, fear of monsters, being alone and so on. Create a strategy that specifically addresses that particular fear. For example, nights lights are fantastic for children who are afraid of the dark. If monsters are the issue, do a check under the bed before bed, name the monster, befriend the monster, and find books on monsters and fears to read together to help this sleep challenge.
4. Nightmares and night terrors
The most common age group for these sleep disruptions is around two years old. Children experiencing nightmares will cry and scream, but they can be consoled. Night terrors often occur at the same time of the night (usually between 10pm and 11pm). Children are in what appears to be a trance-like state and are unable to be consoled.
Avoid overstimulation (especially from devices) and over-tiredness near bedtime. Being too hot can also contribute to these night-time disruptions. Violent content (through TV or books) can also create distress overnight.
Ensure a solid bedtime routine is in place which is filled with connection, books, bath and cuddles as you minimise stimulation and calm their nervous systems for sleep.
5. Adapting sleep needs
Inability to adapt toddler sleep needs and changes in their routine is the most common reason for sleep challenges I find in toddlers. This ultimately creates over- or under-tiredness which shows up as an increase in night wakes. This results in the child calling out more or ending up in their parents’ bed.
As they age, children require less day sleep but also increased amounts of awake time before a day nap. The issue I find is that parents don’t know how to navigate these changes so they keep the nap for the same duration or at the same time of day, which then impacts their kids’ night sleep. If we can effectively adapt their day sleep, their night sleep could likely correct itself.
6. Dropping a nap too soon
Even though children may require less day sleep as they grow, dropping a nap altogether may be too dramatic a step. While your toddler may be resisting their day sleep (or having settling issues at bedtime or night-waking), don’t cut their day nap completely. Most aspects of toddler sleep are about taking a gradual response in order to create a successful transition.
Instead of cutting a nap out completely, try reducing the length of their day sleep instead. Children still need a day nap until around three years old. If the nap isn’t happening easily, try changing its duration or starting time first.
7. Separation anxiety
For a successful sleep, toddlers need to be supported from an emotional perspective. This includes connection to their parents so they feel safe to be in their own sleep space and confident to leave them during the day if needed.
Being away from their parents at this age can be very challenging for toddlers emotionally, especially if they have been at home the majority of the time up until childcare or kindergarten starts.
We all need to return to work at some point, so strategies are crucial to ensure a smooth transition into an external care environment. Create plenty of one-on-one time with each parent when they are at home. Make sure you are not interrupted, are intentional and completely present.
8. Nutritional influence
Lastly, what and when our children eat is crucial for their optimal development. It also ensures long stretches of sleep and avoids digestive issues at night which can disrupt sleep. If your child is restless at night or seems to be in pain, consider speaking to a doctor or naturopath about allergies or nutritional deficiencies.
From a sleep perspective, I often see toddlers who are lacking protein or a variety of foods, or are having too much sugar. Aim to feed them whole foods instead. In addition, ensure mealtimes are regular and not close to sleep times (as they won’t eat as much). We want to ensure there are boundaries around meal times. Don’t just let your toddler consume food they enjoy. Always trial new foods and ensure the food quality is optimal.
A good night’s sleep is within reach
Navigating toddler sleep is hard, especially if you have had issues for weeks, months or years. One thing is for sure, child sleep is not linear. It is understandable we don’t know how to handle the endless changes which occur developmentally and impact their emotions, behaviour and sleep.
Don’t hesitate to seek help if you are struggling with disruptions to your sleep and your child is showing the impact of not having enough sleep, either in their food intake, emotional regulation or behaviour, or having further sleep difficulties.
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