Did you know that there are several surprising benefits of conflict? Well there are—as long as you do conflict well.
Have you ever been locked in conflict with your loved one where arguments seem to go round and round? Or maybe your relationship bliss is suddenly interrupted with an escalation of conflict?
As a couples therapist I must acknowledge that every couple experiences conflict. While it can be healthy for some, it can be terrible for others, reaping irreparable damage. Therefore the aim isn’t to eliminate conflict from our relationships. Rather, it is about learning to do conflict well. When we have healthy conflict in our relationship, we gain the positive associated outcomes of conflict. So why can conflict be good for some couples and terrible for others?
In this article we will discuss how to do conflict well and the surprising potential benefits of conflict.
The masters and disasters
Renowned psychologist and researcher Dr John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, has spent four decades researching successful relationships. His “love lab” studies revealed two distinct groups of couples: masters and disasters.
Masters had lower physiological arousal, meaning they were physically more calm and less reactive during conflicts. This created a safer space for masters to foster trust and intimacy, leading to lasting connections. Disasters, on the other hand, were reactive and experienced quicker relationship deterioration.
Putting it simply, masters were couples who were generally kinder to each other and wanted to reach out and reconnect even when conflict was occurring. Disasters were couples who were less kind and loving generally. They also neglected to prioritise reconnection in times of conflict.
Gottman’s exploration extended to “bid interactions”, where partners make requests for connection by either turning toward or away from each other. Disasters tended to turn away from each other. Masters, on the other hand, turn toward each other during these moments, offering and responding to bids for connection, nurturing emotional connection and sustained relationships.
Gottman asserts gratitude is crucial to these small moments and these connections, identifying it as a muscle requiring exercise. The habit of appreciating and expressing gratitude is what distinguishes masters from disasters. Disasters focus on criticism and contempt, and these continued and accumulated small moments are the primary factors tearing couples apart. Even in conflicts, masters expressed anger in a kind manner, addressing issues without hostility and allowing couples to navigate conflict.
Now that we understand the research, let’s look at how you can learn to deal with conflict well so that you safeguard your relationship and reap the surprising benefits.
The 6 keys to doing conflict well
1. Don’t be cruel
Getting angry and frustrated is a normal part of conflict. However, being aggressive to each other, or being personally critical is an absolute no-go. When this occurs conflict compounds creating more division.
2. Be kind even when the conflict is unresolved
It is important to give the message that your relationship is bigger than conflict. So even if you can’t agree, be kind to one another while you take some time out to reflect on the conflict. When you do this you are signalling that the relationship is bigger than the conflict. If you refuse to talk to one another or stay hostile, you are giving the opposite message: “Our relationship is on hold unless we can resolve this.”
3. Agree to a time to reconnect and repair
Some partners need space to deal with feeling overwhelmed following a conflict while others might desire immediate resolution to resolve high levels of anxiety. When you agree to a time to reconnect, both partners can feel more settled knowing there is both space and intention to come back together.
4. Understand that there are two stories occurring
No matter how right or hurt you might be, it is important to understand there are always two stories occurring. When you can turn your mind toward your partner’s story, you will become more open and validating, paving the way for reconnection.
5. Do it better the second time round
Perhaps you were critical, impatient, got angry or put your walls up. You are only human so it is going to happen. When you address the conflict after a blow-up, try to express your feelings in a calm way with a focus on any hurts or vulnerabilities you or your partner may be feeling. This gets closer to the source of the issue and will promote a sense of understanding.
6. End it sweet
Assuming you are both trying and invested in the relationship, it is important to try to let go of grudges, be forgiving and to end the conflict with a nice experience. When you do this you are promoting positive associations with the relationship which is protective in future conflicts.
The 7 benefits of conflict
1. It shows your relationship is alive and you are not avoiding issues
Avoidance is the silent relationship killer. Conflict on the other hand screams our relationship is alive and there is something wrong. If you can embrace this concept, conflict can be seen as positive in the context that it is a healthy signal highlighting that there is an issue in need of resolving.
2. Your relationship is growing and adapting
Tensions can lead to growth. When you and your partner can overcome conflict, it means you are becoming adaptive and flexible within your relationship. As you move through life with your partner, values, preferences, desires and dynamics are going to shift. Partners who are adaptive and flexible experience growth together and as individuals, which is highly protective of their relationship.
3. It can promote closer levels of emotional intimacy
When there has been a rupture and repair in your partner attachment, it can promote higher levels of emotional intimacy for a period. As the pendulum swings from vulnerability to reconnection, partner togetherness can feel sweeter for a period until the relationship attachment settles.
4. Make-up sex
Some couples report having amazing sexual intimacy following a conflict. As emotions and tensions run hot it can trigger erotic energy, increasing feelings of lust. For others, the desire to be emotionally closer to their partner can trigger the desire for passion and love-making to seal the reconnection.
5. Your relationship gets stronger
If you do conflict well, you start to unconsciously believe that your relationship is much bigger than any particular conflict. When problems arise, you have the confidence that they will be overcome. Therefore, you will approach conflict with more patience, a sense of calm and increased communication skills that have been acquired through the relationship.
6. You work more as a team
Couples who avoid problems do not work together to resolve them. Couples who do conflict well start to understand that with each other in mind, they can find solutions to increase validation and personal satisfaction.
7. You will achieve more goals together
If you want to achieve big couple goals together, you are going to have to learn how to manage conflict well. Couples who conflict well hit major roadblocks and then work together to build bridges and achieve their goals which brings a sense of mastery to the relationship. Conflict in this sense is helpful as it helps you move towards effective problem solving versus stagnation or procrastination.
Fight, but fight well
Conflict can be very beneficial to your relationship as long as you do it well. Forgiveness, kindness and generosity have to be key themes following conflict to ensure repair and reconnection and to prevent erosion of the relationship. This action will increase sharing of joys and constructive responses and adaptations in the relationship. The accumulation of these moments fosters stability, healthy connections, growth and mastery in the relationship.
Read next: 8 healthy ways to fight with your partner without traumatising your children
