When your child acts out, there’s usually more going on. Learn how curiosity and connection can help you understand the behaviour underneath.
Imagine this: You’ve had a terrible day at work. An unpleasant encounter with your boss left you feeling unfairly treated. Your favourite café was closed. The colleague who had agreed to assist you on your project, chose today to back out. Then, you missed your train because that conversation ran long.
You finally get home. There are dirty dishes in the sink, laundry piled high and no sign of dinner being prepared. You walk into the living room to see your partner lying on the couch, scrolling on their phone. Your four-year-old runs to greet you, trips and pours the red paint in their hand down the front of your brand new, dry-clean-only blazer you got for your birthday.
How do you respond?
Let’s say you snap. Totally lost it at your four-year old and then went off at your partner too.
They snap back, “What is wrong with you? Why are you always in such a bad mood? Maybe you should go back to work, we were happier before you came home.”
How do you feel?
Now imagine instead, your partner pauses, looks at you with genuine care, and says, “You seem really tense. I get the sense it’s been a hard day. Are you okay?”
How do you feel this time?
Reframing behaviour
Behaviour is communication. And when it’s not ideal, it’s usually signalling some degree of dysregulation or unmet emotional need. In these moments, what we need most, even if we cannot express it, is to feel seen, heard and understood.
That’s true for us as adults, but even more so for children.
From a young age, children can feel all the big emotions: Anger, sadness, jealousy, fear. But they don’t yet have the skills to manage them. Their brain is still developing, especially the parts responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. And they often lack the words to explain what they’re feeling. Even highly articulate children may struggle to express emotional language unless it’s been consistently modelled.
So those big feelings often come out in behaviour.
It may look defiant or dramatic, but often it’s a clue. A flag. A message saying, “Something is hard for me right now.”
When we focus only on stopping the behaviour, we risk missing what’s underneath. But when we pause and get curious, asking “What’s really happening here?” we shift the whole dynamic, moving from reacting to relating, from controlling to connecting.
Want to hear this conversation unpacked in real time? In this Mum to Mum episode, we go deeper into what it really means when your child acts out, sharing practical examples, honest reflections and what this looks like in everyday parenting.
Reading the message underneath
When my second son was born, my eldest had just turned two. In the lead-up, we’d been intentional about connecting him more with his dad and later, with his grandma, who came to help. Even so, a new baby is always a big adjustment for a toddler.
After the birth, I made a point of carving out one-on-one time with him. But in those moments, if Grandma or Dad came into the room, he’d turn and say with firm conviction, “Go away, Grandma,” or “Go away, Daddy.”
On the surface, it is easy to see this as rude, disrespectful or inappropriate behaviour in need of “correction” to raise a polite child. Yes, he did need some guidance around more respectful ways to express his needs. But if that’s all we focus on, we miss what’s really going on underneath.
So, what was the message beneath his behaviour? First, let’s acknowledge that we aren’t mind readers. We cannot know exactly what’s happening internally for another person, including our children.
But we can try to understand. We can do our best to step into their shoes, considering what they’re experiencing, what stressors they may be juggling and how that might feel.
For my son, up until now, Mummy had been relatively available. Yes, he’s shared me with Daddy, but I’d generally been responsive and attuned to his needs. Then suddenly, there was this new little person. He’d been excited to meet him, but he didn’t really understand what it meant. Mummy now seemed very attached to this little person and often unavailable in ways she hadn’t been previously.
Sure, Daddy and Grandma were present, but perhaps not always quite as attuned. And without saying it, I suspect he was simply missing the access to Mummy he’d once had. Then came these precious windows: Mummy was there, just for him. These moments felt special. Joyful. He didn’t have to share me. But when Grandma or Daddy entered, they’d distract me and he’d lose that undivided attention. He didn’t want to share. He wanted me to himself.
Now, remember, he was two. He couldn’t say, “Excuse me Daddy, this is Mummy and my special time. I really miss her and would like some one-on-one time. Could you please talk to her later?”
So instead, it came out as “Go away”.
Why? Because he’d learned that when Daddy or Grandma weren’t there, he had my full attention. And that was what he was really seeking.
Does that mean we excuse the behaviour? No. There’s still space for teaching respectful ways to communicate. But if we skip the step of understanding what’s being communicated underneath, we risk misjudging our child. Seeing the behaviour as a reflection of their character, rather than a clue to a need.
Without that understanding, we might correct the behaviour but miss the chance to teach what’s needed most: How to express a need clearly and respectfully.
The role of regulation
When our nervous system is triggered, we can enter a “fight or flight” state. The intensity of that response depends on our past experiences and how emotionally safe we’ve felt in similar situations. Someone with a trauma history, for example, might react strongly to something that barely unsettles someone else. But regardless of the extent, when our nervous system is in that state, we’re dysregulated.
Children aren’t born knowing how to self-regulate. They learn it through co-regulation.
When a child is emotionally overwhelmed, they need a calm, steady adult. Someone who can stay present, attuned, and able to validate and empathise. This doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries. It means holding them with kindness and compassion.
Over time, these repeated moments build emotional safety. They teach children that big feelings aren’t dangerous and that they can be handled. And from there, they slowly learn to self-regulate also.
Supporting rather than suppressing
So, how can you apply this? Start by getting curious before reacting. Imagine walking into the bathroom to find water everywhere and your toddler at the sink holding their soaked pants.
Instead of snapping, pause and gently enquire, “Hmm. I see a lot of water. What are you doing?”
In these moments, remember that most emotional communication is non-verbal. Tone of voice and body language matter far more than words. Your child’s nervous system is reading those cues for safety, regardless of what you say. If you need to step away before responding, take an adult time-out. Recognising your own needs matters too.
This actually happened in our home. And truthfully, it’s a moment I’ve snapped at my toddler for in the past. But this time, I responded with curiosity.
His response, “I got texta on my pants, so I was trying to wash them.”
His motivation was pure. He wasn’t trying to make a mess. He was trying to take responsibility. Yes, the bathroom was flooded, and yes, an adult would have handled it differently. But if I’d reacted with frustration, I wouldn’t have understood what was really going on. And worse, he may have walked away thinking, I was only trying to help. Maybe I can’t do anything right.
When it comes to big feelings, validate the emotion even if you don’t agree with the behaviour. Reassure them that you’re present. Saying, “I see you’re really sad right now. I’m here,” communicates safety and attunement.
Compare that to phrases like “Stop crying” or “It’s not a big deal”, which many of us heard growing up. Those responses can leave children feeling alone, misunderstood or even ashamed for having the feeling at all.
When there’s a lesson to teach, the middle of a meltdown is rarely the time. If one or both of you is dysregulated, it’s unlikely anything helpful will land. Wait for a calm moment. That’s when your child is most receptive to learning, and you’re best placed to guide with clarity and care.
Final takeaways
If this is new to you, know that you’re not alone. It’s a huge mindset shift for many. It’s not easy, but it is transformative. It doesn’t mean letting go of guidance or teaching. It simply changes the focus, from controlling behaviour to understanding what’s underneath it.
Instead of seeing a child as rude or disrespectful, we begin to notice when they are having a hard time. We see the immature nervous system behind the meltdown and can start to respond with loving, sturdy guidance that comes from connection.
Behaviour is an invitation to connect, not a threat to control. It gives us a glimpse into the emotional state beneath, often more than words can. And this is true not just for our children, but in all relationships, especially those closest to us.
It’s not always easy to pause and wonder, What might be going on underneath this? But that single question can open the door to compassion. Because calmness and connection, offered with genuine care in the midst of dysregulation, can be disarming and incredibly healing.
Tune into the Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash podcast
Parenting isn’t easy and some days, it feels downright impossible. That’s why Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash is here: honest, heart-centred conversations about raising emotionally healthy kids, one connection at a time. Join paediatrician Doctor Tash (Natasha Ching) and host Melody Tan as they unpack the big emotions, everyday struggles and lightbulb moments that come with modern parenting. From tantrums to teen moods, from discipline to self-compassion, each monthly episode offers practical wisdom grounded in science and guided by empathy. This is the place where you’ll find understanding, not judgement. Real talk, not quick fixes. Because parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about learning, growing and connecting.
NOTE: The information shared in this article and the podcast does not constitute medical advice. It is for general and educational purposes only. Please consult a qualified healthcare professional for advice specific to your situation.
