Rupture happens in every family. Learn why repair—not perfection—is what builds trust, safety and secure relationships with your child.
“What is wrong with you? I can’t believe you did that! You’re deliberately trying to make my life harder. I’m so mad, I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
Yup. I said that. To my three-year-old son after he deliberately dropped his yoghurt bottle on the ground to make it splatter across the carpet at the Airbnb we’d just checked into.
Now, let’s put his action aside, because this isn’t an article about what he did. Instead, let’s focus on my response and what was going on for me. I share this not because I am proud of the moment, but because I think it speaks to something universal: We all have these moments.
I’m a professional with a deep passion for this space. I know that shaming a child doesn’t teach the lesson we’re hoping for. In fact, done repeatedly, it can chip away at their self-worth. And yet here I was, shaming my son. Why?
It had been a long day. I was 34 weeks pregnant with my third child, on day three of a month-long stint solo parenting two young kids. Oh, and we weren’t staying at home because our house was being renovated. That day, we’d just checked into our second of five accommodation stays.
But my day hadn’t gone to plan. Instead of packing up early so we could leave on time for the 18-month-old to have his nap on the drive, I’d ended up in an ambulance with him instead (thankfully we were visiting family, so there was someone to watch my three-year-old at the time).
Thankfully, he responded rapidly to the treatment at hospital and we were able to leave after several hours, but the smooth plans for the day were blown. We got on the road late and he had a long, late nap, pushing bedtime well into the night.
This yoghurt incident? It happened after I’d just finished cleaning up following a late dinner. I was exhausted, physically and mentally, and super keen for bed, except my 18-month-old wasn’t going down until 11 pm. I was overwhelmed and at that moment, the yoghurt was simply the trigger that pushed me over the edge.
Rupture is inevitable
While your story will look different, we all have these moments. We are human with limits, triggers and tipping points. We all have moments we’re not proud of. We may yell. We misread the moment. We react instead of responding.
It doesn’t mean we’re failing, it simply means we’re human. There is no such thing as the perfect parent and that is more than okay.
Perfection is not the goal. In fact, it’s unattainable.
Rupture, or what I like to call, the moment of temporary disconnection, is inevitable in all meaningful relationships, especially between parent and child. We will make mistakes. But thankfully, the rupture isn’t what defines the relationship. Rather, it is the repair that matters most.
There is extensive research, by medical professionals such as Dr John Bowlby, Dr Donald Winnicott, Dr Mary Ainsworth and Dr Daniel Siegel, that shows that a secure attachment with a parent doesn’t come from getting it right all the time. It comes from attunement, and the intentional reconnection after a rupture has occurred.
Bowlby and Ainsworth’s work laid the foundation for understanding how secure relationships form. Winnicott famously described the goal as being a “good enough” parent, not a perfect one. And we can take comfort in Dr Edward Tronick’s research, which showed that getting it right around 30 per cent of the time is enough to build secure attachment, so long as we’re intentional about reconnecting after we get it wrong.
Why repair matters
Repair, or as I prefer to call it, intentional reconnection, teaches your child’s nervous system that important relationships can hold imperfection and still be safe.
It builds trust. It builds resilience. It models humility and emotional accountability. It says, “I care more about our relationship than about being right.”
Repair doesn’t have to be fancy or perfect. It might sound like:
- “I’m sorry Mummy yelled. That wasn’t fair to you.”
- “I was feeling really overwhelmed, but that’s not your fault. I know that hurt you and I’m sorry.”
Repair isn’t the time to teach a lesson. The yoghurt wasn’t the problem; it was the trigger. What needed repair was my reaction, not his behaviour. That was what had disrupted our connection.
Repair is about taking ownership for our response as the parent and the part it played in the rupture. It’s not about making excuses or justifying our responses, and it’s definitely not about shifting the blame to the child. This is about us showing accountability.
Want to explore this idea more deeply? Listen to the Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash podcast episode on rupture and repair for a compassionate, real-life conversation.
Now, that doesn’t mean we don’t guide, teach or set boundaries. That part still matters, deeply. But timing matters too. If a child walks away from the moment feeling only corrected or only soothed, and not both, then something is missing.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine you’ve had a painful disagreement with your partner and in the heat of the moment, they’ve said something that deeply hurt you. If they apologise, but in the same sentence, make a comment about how your behaviour had triggered them to respond that way, how does it make you feel?
Contrast that with a sincere, unqualified apology, followed by a calm, non-judgemental conversation about how you can both do better.
Remember, connection first. That’s what makes the lesson stick.
Repair isn’t always instant
Sometimes, for whatever reason, in the moment, you simply won’t have the capacity to repair. That’s okay too. The door to reconnection doesn’t close. It’s not too late to return later with calm, presence and openheartedness to intentionally reconnect.
No matter how intentional we are in our parenting (or let’s be honest, in all relationships), we won’t get it right all the time and that is okay.
Choosing to be intentional about re-connection is not a one-time event, but rather a way of life. When we choose this path, we model the same to our children. This teaches them emotional literacy, humility and empathy.
Apologising to our children and owning our imperfections, doesn’t make us weak. It makes us safe.
Repair isn’t just for our kids. It’s a healing moment for us too. A chance to move from guilt to grace.
Final takeaways
I guarantee you will have moments in life where your response will lead to a moment of disconnection with your child. That’s inevitable. We all will. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent; it means that you are human. What matters more is what you do next.
Remember, the “rupture” is not the thing that matters most, but rather the repair, that moment of intentional reconnection. You won’t always get that part right either and that’s also okay. Life and parenting is a never-ending journey of growth and learning. The hope is that we can continue to learn and grow alongside our kids.
So, what might a moment of intentional reconnection look like in your home this week?
Tune into the Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash podcast
Parenting isn’t easy and some days, it feels downright impossible. That’s why Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash is here: honest, heart-centred conversations about raising emotionally healthy kids, one connection at a time. Join paediatrician Doctor Tash (Natasha Ching) and host Melody Tan as they unpack the big emotions, everyday struggles and lightbulb moments that come with modern parenting. From tantrums to teen moods, from discipline to self-compassion, each monthly episode offers practical wisdom grounded in science and guided by empathy. This is the place where you’ll find understanding, not judgement. Real talk, not quick fixes. Because parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about learning, growing and connecting.
NOTE: The information shared in this article and the podcast does not constitute medical advice. It is for general and educational purposes only. Please consult a qualified healthcare professional for advice specific to your situation.
