We’re diving into the statistics on family resilience and learning makes some families bend while others break.
Ever wondered why some families seem to be so capable, so stalwart, so brave, seemingly unbreakable?
You might know one or two families who fit into this hallowed zone in your mind. They are the family that, no matter how terrible life gets, somehow manages to stick together and get through it.
On the other hand, you probably know other families who have broken apart for far less. It makes you scratch your head and wonder what are the ingredients to resilient families. Maybe you’re desperately wanting to master the skills it takes to become one of those families.
Well, the research is in and it’s both surprising and a little terrifying. So, buckle in, put on your mindfulness hat, take a deep breath and be ready for some good, old, honest reflection.
One in seven families
The Barna Group is a research organisation that studies culture, families and social trends. They recently ran a large study on families in the United States and their data reveal a sobering reality that is applicable in Australia and New Zealand too.
Of the 37 per cent of respondents who are married with kids, only 14 per cent of them fell into Barna’s “Resilient” category, while more than a third are classified as “Fragile”.
When I first came across this statistic, I was horrified, but also not really that surprised. In 2024, the crude divorce rate was 2.1 divorces per 1000 people. As a result, many kids, myself include, have to deal with a lot of adult mess at a young age.
But how do you measure resilience?
Barna’s resilience framework identifies four key relational, emotional and spiritual traits that tend to appear in strong, healthy families.
- Shared values and beliefs that guide family life
- Open and healthy communication between spouses
- A deep emotional connection within the marriage
- Active engagement in community or faith-based practices beyond the household
Married parents are categorised based on how many of these traits they consistently exhibit:
- Resilient (all four): 14%
- Stable (three): 26%
- Struggling (two): 24%
- Fragile (one or none): 36%
While you might feel Barna is judging you and your family, these categories aren’t labels of success or failure. Rather, they offer insights for everyday family life, areas of strength and areas where support may be needed.
The three ingredients resilient families use
This is not about looking at the research and saying, “That’s it, our family isn’t going to make it,” but rather, “What can I learn about my family from this research, so that we can become resilient?”
Here are the three things to learn from resilient families.
1. Repair
If you think resilient families are perfect, you’re far from right. Resilient families have just as much drama, conflict and day-to-day stress as anyone else, but they practice something special: Repair.
When conflicts arise, which they inevitably will, they seek repair instead of avoiding, blaming, shaming and name-calling. Repair looks like everyone taking responsibility for their actions and addressing the relational tension directly, rather than letting it simmer under the surface.
Resilient families know by experience that unresolved issues will lead to volcanic emotions, which can cause catastrophic emotional damage. When this has occurred, it can be very hard for families to move forward in a healthy way, because of the further unresolved damage that has happened. To avoid all of this unnecessary pain, resilient families make it a habit to regularly repair.
This is about acknowledging the hurt certain actions may have caused and working together on a solution. While all of this might sound humiliating, especially when apologising to a child, it can be the difference between life and death for a family unit when practiced consistently.
Good mental health doesn’t exist because of the absence of bad or challenging things, but because we have protective factors in place. We have safe people, safe places, ways to calm down, ways to problem-solve and healthy ways to relax.
It’s the same with resilient families. The negative effects of stress won’t going away, but the positive efforts of repairing and problem-solving as a family can make all the difference for the overall mental fitness of all the family members.
2. Seek support
Every family has unique challenges and resilient families are no different. The tool that resilient families use during hardship is support. When there is a significant distressing event like a loss or trauma, resilient families seek support for their mental wellbeing. This could look like external providers, such as psychologists or counsellors, or a trusted, safe friend.
Interestingly, families in the “fragile category” don’t seek support. They try to go it alone or believe even if they seek help, they won’t find it or it won’t be sufficient for their needs. Unfortunately, this mindset leaves them even more fragile and increases the strain on the family.
Resilience isn’t about being spared from hardship, it’s about not going through it alone. You don’t need to try to push through a mental health challenge as a lone ranger. There are so many services or programs out there that will most certainly help you if you choose to engage. You matter and you deserve support.
3. Engagement
Resilient families have another trick up their sleeves that keeps them together. They engage in their communities. Research has long shown that community engagement, socialising and being a part of a group of healthy people are crucial for mental wellbeing, compared to having little or no community involvement.
Resilient families know this and they engage with their community regularly. For some people, this looks like being part of a vibrant church. For others, it might be mothers’ groups, playgroups, surf lifesaving clubs, volunteering and more. The point is meaningful involvement with a healthy, safe group of people who are all contributing to the betterment of everyone else.
Find community engagement opportunities where you live and depending on the specific needs of your particular area, you might be able to contribute something really meaningful to your community. It’s great to include young children as it teaches them social and communication skills, and that others have needs that are just as important as their own.
Schools often offer opportunities for your family to get involved if you’re struggling to find a community. Older children and teenagers can also make great contributions to community groups and it’s amazing for building their confidence.
Resilient families make up resilient communities and this is a huge benefit for our social futures. Community helps everyone feel connected and have a sense of purpose, crucial for our sense of belonging and inclusion in society.
Your family can become a resilient family
The ingredients to become a resilient family—repair, support and engagement—is hopeful because everyone can start practicing repair, seeking support and plugging into a great community.
Wherever you find your family right now, even if it’s in the fragile category, you can flip that around. With the help of outside support while including your family as part of the solution, and by engaging in a healthy community, you can increase the chances of your family sticking together forever.
Read: 6 family conflict resolution secrets
Resilient families: The statistics we can't ignore
