If you’ve ever struggled to understand your son’s behaviour and how his mind works, what you are about to read may surprise you.
Most mums want their boys to grow up to be kind and respectful men, but their sons need something more than that.
At the core of a boy’s heart lies the profound desire to be heroic and capable, while simultaneously questioning if they really have what it takes to become just that.
- “Who am I?”
- “What am I here for?”
- “Do I have what it takes?”
These questions are hardwired into a boy’s heart and they will desperately seek answers throughout their childhood.
The heart of the matter
Author and counsellor John Eldredge identifies three fundamental longings of a man’s soul in his bestselling book, Wild at Heart:
- a battle to fight
- a beauty to love
- an adventure to live
While this may sound cliché—like the classic knight rescuing the princess from the dragon—these archetypes are deeply embedded in every boy’s heart.
Look at the stories men gravitate toward. They almost always feature a challenge to overcome, a quest to embark on and a sense of purpose tied to something greater than themselves. These narratives stir their hearts, make them come alive and inspire them to believe they can be more.
Hollywood understands this well. Decades after watching a movie, many men can still recall parts of the script or the feelings it invoked in them. When young boys engage with these narratives in movies or video games, they’re seeing reflections of their own potential. Rather than dismissing their fascination with these action-packed stories, consider what captivates them and how these stories can translate into real-life virtues.
Boys instinctively seek out battles—even when society tries to curb this. Perhaps you’ve seen your son form a gun out of Lego bricks or transform a stick into a makeshift sword. This isn’t about violence; it’s about conquering something bigger than themselves and proving they’re capable.
When a boy overcomes a challenge, he learns that he is stronger than he thought. This fuels his confidence and helps him step into his role as a protector and leader.
Being male
Many parents misinterpret a boy’s wild antics as defiance or bad behaviour. When your three-year-old son charges through the grocery store as a ninja on a quest or transforms your backyard into a battleground, he’s not being chaotic—he’s exploring his identity and testing his abilities.
Unfortunately, society often misinterprets boys’ natural wiring. When their endless energy, curiosity or restlessness doesn’t fit neatly into the structure of modern classrooms or societal expectations, they’re labelled as problematic. A boy might be called “a strong-willed child” because he has the courage to assert his opinion, which in reality is an admirable thing.
Anthropologist Lionel Tiger in The Decline of Males highlights a troubling statistic: Boys are three to four times more likely than girls to be diagnosed with attention deficit disorders. Often, the “solution” is medication, but what if these boys aren’t sick? What if their behaviour simply reflects the natural differences between boys and girls?
When a boy is told there’s something wrong with him—whether directly or indirectly—it sends a message to the core of who he is: That he isn’t enough.
A boy might be labelled as restless in primary school and then violent in high school. Every parent and teacher may have a big reaction any time he tries to do what he feels is the right thing a man should do. In the end, he closes down or acts out. It’s a lesson that takes a long time to unlearn.
The three core questions, if left unanswered, create a festering wound that causes a boy to close off his heart. When a boy locks away his emotions, creativity and connection, it’s because he’s gotten the message that he doesn’t have what it takes. When a man is wounded, he hides.
The wounded poser
A negative consequence of ignoring or intentionally harming a little boy’s emotional world is that he may grow into a disengaged man. Women all over the world complain their husbands are disengaged and emotionally distant partners and fathers. They just can’t get them to connect on a deep level. This disconnect begins in boyhood, when society teaches boys that vulnerability equals weakness. To cope, they bury their pain, pretending to be strong while feeling inadequate inside. A man cannot engage truthfully and deeply on the heart level when he is terrified of showing who he really is.
While there is a healthy and positive aggression in the heart of your son—the call to adventure, the courage to face dangers and the ultimate triumph of good over evil—when that innate longing gets damaged, a wounded boy can also turn into a violent man. The wounded boy becomes a “poser”, pretending to be someone he’s not while his true self remains locked away. This can feed into various false images, one of which can be violence.
All over the world, we see the consequences of angry men and assume that they simply need to learn to be more gentle. But in reality, the issue runs far deeper than just manners, addiction or behaviour. The toxic masculinity we’re seeing today comes from wounded men who are putting on a false image in a desperate attempt to be a “man”, all the while having a strong sense they are falling far short.
Initiation into manhood
In the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman for marriage until he has first killed a lion. That’s their way of saying he’s been initiated. While there are many harmful modern-day variations, the basic principle underscoring all of this is the desire boys have to be “knighted”: to be seen and respected as capable and strong.
They not only want others to see them as strong, but they need to know they are strong. There is a big difference between the two. Boys ultimately want their fathers to define them, but they need to see evidence in themselves that they have what it takes to get through the hard times and new challenges that life brings.
Masculinity—the kind God designed when He created men—is something fathers uniquely bestow upon their sons. It is passed down from masculinity to masculinity. A boy discovers who he is and learns that he has what it takes through the presence and guidance of engaged, affirming men in his life. When a boy lacks a healthy, involved father, it can deeply impact his sense of masculinity, leaving a void that shapes his identity. However, this does not mean he is doomed. Healing is possible through therapy, building healthy relationships with other men and rediscovering God’s design for true masculinity—a strength that reflects a tender, courageous and authentic heart.
Raising a boy who is wild at heart
By this point, you might feel excited, overwhelmed or even both. It’s doubly hard when the harsh realities that you’ve experienced with men may have led you to believe that masculinity is toxic and dangerous, and needs to be suppressed. However, perhaps the key to the connection you’re seeking with your son or husband lies in understanding his heart’s questions and longings.
Here are some helpful places to start:
Affirm his strengths
Let your little boy know you see his courage and creativity. Celebrate his victories, no matter how small.
Encourage emotional honesty
Teach your son that it’s okay to feel hurt or scared, or have made a mistake. Acknowledging these emotions doesn’t make him weak; it makes him human. Spending quality time connecting with your son and having honest conversations can really help set the tone of what is expected.
Foster healthy adventures
Provide opportunities for exploration and challenges, from outdoor activities to creative projects at home. Your boy needs new things to conquer, in different places of varying intensity. He needs to know he’s capable of big things.
Model positive behaviour
Show him how to handle difficult situations with courage, strength and compassion. Your example will leave a lasting impression.
Healthy masculine mentors
Your son needs healthy masculinity, with all of its adventure, bravery and courage. He needs to know what a real man is. If he doesn’t have this currently, it’s important for you to support him in finding it. Even the best mother in the world can’t teach her son what it really means to be a man.
Wild kids don’t equal bad
How many boys’ lives could have had a different story if someone had taken the time to try to understand the difficult child? The wild child with the intense energy levels may actually be normal and they need to know it.
The spirited child shouldn’t have the spark taken out of him, but rather shown how to share his passion to change the future. With the right guidance, your son’s wild heart can become his greatest strength—not just for his own life but for the world around him.
Why it's a good thing if your son is wild at heart
