Navigating the complexities of parenting in today’s turbulent world can feel like an uphill battle. Society’s unrealistic standards only add to the pressure, setting unattainable benchmarks.
As parents and caregivers, our natural inclination is to prioritise everyone else’s needs, often leaving us drained and vulnerable, with little left to handle the challenging parenting moments. Consequently, many parents find themselves grappling with their wellbeing, which takes a toll on their mental and emotional state.
Possessing emotional resilience is important for parents to navigate the highs and lows, whether they are facing difficult situations or simply dealing with the demands of everyday life. It gives us the ability to handle our emotional reactions to people and circumstances, influencing how we engage with the world around us.
But how do we cultivate this resilience?
Developing your emotional resilience
Just like a muscle, practising emotional resilience daily continues to increase its strength, helping to significantly transform one’s approach to life. Here are the foundational steps that will enhance your emotional resilience, and positively impact personal and interpersonal dynamics. Though seemingly simple, they form crucial pillars for lasting transformation.
1. Remove judgement and stigma towards rough emotions
We’ve fostered a belief that success equates to perpetual happiness, placing immense pressure on parents to maintain a blissful family atmosphere. Consequently, many adults and children feel compelled to feign happiness to avoid disappointing others. While happiness isn’t inherently harmful, it’s crucial to acknowledge life’s inevitable challenges and accept that constant joy isn’t realistic.
Rather than categorising emotions as good or bad, consider them rough or smooth emotional roads, each serving a purpose. Rough emotions build resilience, while smooth ones promote wellbeing.
Continuously rescuing family members from the everyday rough patches of life and steering them toward smooth roads is exhausting. It also reduces opportunities for individuals to build resilience and develop coping skills. Embracing emotions, even the challenging ones, without judgement, creates a supportive environment where everyone feels safe expressing themselves authentically.
It’s about finding a balance between navigating rough and smooth emotional terrain without passing judgement and understanding that experiencing difficulty isn’t a failure but an opportunity for growth.
2. Be kinder to yourself
We often hold ourselves to higher standards than we do others. Encourage self-compassion by avoiding the urge to label experiences as purely positive or negative. Life’s journey is a mix of smooth rides and bumpy roads.
Rather than seeing challenges as setbacks, view them as opportunities for growth and resilience-building. You won’t improve your driving skills by sticking to the smooth roads. Recognising this shifts our definition of success away from constant happiness and smooth journeys.
So, facing a tough day, making difficult choices or a child answering back no longer feels like a failure but a part of an advanced driving course, propelling us toward greater resilience and personal growth. The road may be rough, but it’s not bad.
3. Control your emotional steering wheel
Just as you’re the sole driver of your car, you should also be the sole controller of your emotional steering wheel. Past triggers and family pressures can unconsciously hijack this control, affecting our emotional responses and direction.
Sometimes, we may try to manipulate someone else’s emotional steering, thinking we’re guiding them to smoother paths. Yet, this hinders their resilience-building process. Imagine the chaos if this happened while driving a real car. Reflect without judgement on how often you, out of love, try to control your other’s steering wheel.
Shifting from blame to responsibility means reframing phrases like “You’re making me angry” to “I’m choosing to feel angry in response to this situation”. This subtle change, from “making” to “choosing,” helps reclaim ownership of your steering wheel rather than surrendering control to external factors. Blaming others or yourself leaves you feeling like a victim, leading to judgement and retaliation.
Your emotional steering wheel is yours alone. Taking charge empowers you to control your focus, emotions and destination.
4. Identify your daily triggers: TEPs (Trigger Extra Precaution)
The accumulation of everyday stressors (TEPs) can silently yet significantly impact our mental health. These minor TEPs continually add to our stress levels, gradually filling our glass of stress. When it fills, even a minor TEP can cause it to overflow, leading to mental and physical health issues. By identifying these daily TEPs, like the alarm clock, body image concerns, noisy chewing, financial challenges, relationship issues, children fighting or traffic, you can start to control what silently fills your glass.
Begin by listing your daily TEPs then proceed to PETs.
5. Reduce stress with a PET (Personal Emotional Tool)
PETs vary from person to person and may include exercise, drawing, deep breathing, listening to music, showering, reading, drinking a herbal tea, eating chocolate or receiving a massage. It’s essential to pair your TEPs with a corresponding PET.
For instance, for traffic, listen to a podcast; for making mistakes, practise deep breathing; for loneliness, read; for getting out of bed, listen to a song.
Being aware of your TEPs and utilising the appropriate PET can help you empty your stress glass daily, preventing it from overflowing and making life overwhelming. However, be mindful that excessive indulgence of any PET, such as chocolate, can quickly turn into a TEP. Don’t worry about the terminology; just as you use Google/Twitter, embrace using PETs and TEPs to help manage your and your family’s wellbeing.
6. Understand emotional contagion
Emotional contagion happens when one person’s emotions affect others’ feelings and actions. Recognise your family members’ emotional state and choose whether to engage. Realise the power of remaining objective when someone faces challenges instead of taking it personally and joining them on their rough road. Remember, the decision to engage or stay objective is in your control.
Your secret to parenting calm
Managing your emotional reactions to people and situations is crucial for dealing with overwhelming parenting moments and life. Understanding the significance of rough emotions alleviates the pressure to always be happy. It is empowering to know that you have the choice to join someone on a rough road or not.
Identifying your daily stressors (TEPs) and corresponding stress-relieving activities (PETs) helps regularly empty your “glass” of stress, preventing it from becoming overwhelming. Taking control of your emotional steering wheel is within your grasp.
Demonstrating this skill to your family not only enhances your emotional resilience, but you also become a role model, teaching those around you how to build their own emotional resilience.
Read next: Is motherhood maxing out your stress threshold?
