Discover four essential ways to help boys break free from rigid stereotypes, express emotions and grow with empathy.
As parents, carers, grandparents, guardians, teachers, mentors and role models, we are tasked with raising the next generation of men, a generation that will have to navigate a world of complexity, diversity and rapid change.
At the same time, we must also support existing adult men to guide and shape the next generation. But to do so, we must first confront the fact that traditional models of masculinity and manhood, which have long defined what it means to be a man, no longer serve us today.
We need to break free from rigid, outdated notions of masculinity that teach boys and men to suppress their emotions, hide their vulnerabilities and conform to socially constructed ideals of power and strength.
We need to raise great men, not by simply telling them how to behave or what to believe, but by teaching them how to think for themselves, how to feel and how to be authentically themselves. This is not about simply shifting the burden of gendered expectations from one side to the other—this is about creating space for boys and men to be whole humans, giving them permission to explore masculinity without judgement and to embrace the full spectrum of their emotional and human experiences.
Over the years, I’ve worked closely with boys, facilitating programs and observing their struggles, triumphs and moments of self-discovery. The challenges boys face today are both vast and nuanced, but the traits they need to thrive remain constant. The actions I’ve listed below aren’t just about teaching boys how to be great men; they’re about teaching them how to be great humans.
1. Build resilience
Life is full of challenges, setbacks and failures. Building resilience in boys means teaching them how to handle adversity, bounce back from failure and keep moving forward. But resilience isn’t just about “toughing it out”; it’s about learning to sit with discomfort, asking for help and finding solutions in the face of difficulty.
In this modern era, we grow up with the Australian idea of “She’ll be right, mate”, which means everything will be OK. But in fact, this teaches us to suppress, not talk and bottle it all up. Resilience isn’t about strength and bouncing straight back with no battle scars—it’s about the repair after the rupture. It takes time for wounds to heal, as it does for us to bounce back from setbacks.
Here are some strategies that can help build resilience in boys:
Encourage problem-solving
Don’t rush in to solve the problems of boys and men. Instead, ask them, “How do you think we can solve this?” or “What could you try next?” This helps them feel like they can ask for help but still maintain a level of control. We need younger men, in particular, to develop problem-solving skills and to understand that mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow.
Celebrate effort over outcome
Often, we focus on success (wins, results). But celebrating effort and progress shows that resilience is about persistence, not perfection. If we fail at something it should not be final. Dealing with, sitting in, being uncomfortable with failure, or even rejection, is important. Conversations should be shaped by questions like, “What can we try next time?”
Model resilience
When things get tough, whether it’s a family situation, work stress or a personal setback, talk about how you’re dealing with it and the strategies you’re using to stay strong. Open up, even when it’s uncomfortable or feels awkward. This gives us all a blueprint for coping with adversity in our own lives.
2. Encourage self-awareness
Being self-aware means understanding who you are, what you value and how your actions impact others. It’s about developing a sense of identity that is rooted in self-respect and authenticity rather than external expectations. For many men, this journey of self-awareness is clouded by societal pressures and peer influence.
We need more role models providing younger men and boys with opportunities to reflect on their values, passions and aspirations. For example:
Encourage reflection
Ask, “Was there a moment when you felt upset? How did you handle it?” These questions help everyone think about their actions, their emotions and their responses.
Model reflection
Take time to reflect on your own actions, particularly when things don’t go as planned. Say things like, “I could have handled that situation better. Next time I’ll try to stay calm and think before I react.” This shows that self-awareness includes learning from mistakes and taking responsibility.
3. Empower with responsibility
Boys and men need real responsibilities. It can start with taking care of a pet as a youngster, managing a school project or maintenance around the house. Then, as we transition into younger men, we can help with family decisions. It’s about offering boys a chance to make decisions, to follow through on their commitments, to feel the weight of responsibility. This fosters self-confidence and provides a sense of purpose.
Then, as we venture into manhood, our foundations are built on purpose and responsibility, which helps us live a life of service.
4. Create safe spaces for emotional expression, while teaching consent and boundaries
Encouraging men and boys to speak openly about their feelings is not about going soft or “woke”. It also doesn’t need to be artificially manufactured. It needs to become a natural part of our everyday life. Create environments where emotional literacy is the norm, not the exception, around dinner tables, in the lounge room, in the car, at our sports clubs and in group activities.
We need to get back to the essentials of our human existence. Instead of filling up our time with doomscrolling or countless extracurriculars, promote activities like journalling, group talks and one-on-one discussions. Encourage going back to nature—walks, hikes, swims, surfing, anything. Outdoors is where we’re meant to be!
Use these spaces to have meaningful but non-threatening conversations about life in general, mental health, family, and important topics like consent and sexual health. In these conversations, give real-world examples of what respecting boundaries and healthy communication in relationships look like.
Teach respect for boundaries
From a young age, make sure boys understand that everyone has boundaries and that it’s important to respect those boundaries. This includes teaching them that if someone says “No”, the answer is “No”. Teach them the importance of asking for consent, whether in games, conversations or even with physical touch.
Model healthy relationships
Show them what respectful communication and healthy boundaries look like in your own relationships. Whether it’s a conversation with a partner, your children or extended family, model how to set boundaries and negotiate with kindness and mutual respect.
Foster conversations about gender equality
Encourage exploring ideas around gender equality, respect and shared responsibility. Discuss how much of the house duties and caregiving women do compared with men, and why this is not fair nor sustainable. Talk about wages, pay, traditional gender roles, and get everyone in the home or class to explore these topics. Guide the conversation, but allow boys to feel safe to say the wrong thing, and the conversation to get messy and politically incorrect.
Read next: 7 issues our boys face today and how to help them
This is an edited extract from Better Man by Ben Vasiliou (Simon & Schuster, RRP$36.99). Available in stores nationally.
4 things boys today need to learn
