What I wish I knew before having my first baby 

You think there are so many things you should know about before having a baby, but often, they’re not the ones you really should be aware of.

Before you have your first baby, there are so many things you think you need to know. You read the books. You ask questions. You think about your birth plan, the car seat, what your new baby will sleep in and what life is going to look like once they arrive.

Then they arrive and suddenly there are 100 other things to think about. The research you did before your baby arrived turns out to be mostly useless, the tips from others somehow don’t seem to apply to your baby and you’re right where you started before you fell pregnant: Clueless and feeling helpless.

The pressure to be perfect

For Kerryn, who now has three adult children, one of the biggest things she wished she knew before motherhood was not to put so much pressure on herself.

“When you have your first baby, you can find yourself reading books and comparing your child’s progress with what the books say they should be doing,” Kerryn says. “When should they be sitting? When should they be crawling? When will they take their first steps? When should they start solid foods? Are they talking yet? Is their growth rate okay? When should I start toilet training? And these are just the questions we ask when they’re toddlers!”

It is probably something a lot of new parents can relate to. When you’re a first-time mum, everything feels important. Every milestone. Every little change. Every new thing your baby does or doesn’t do yet.

Kerryn finally started questioning whether all of those things deserved quite as much worry as she was giving them.

“At one point, I found myself thinking, Are all these things really that important? When they’re 21, are their friends going to ask, ‘What age did you crawl?’” she says. “Of course we want to make sure our children are healthy and developing well. But I think we put far too much pressure on ourselves as mums.”

It is the kind of perspective that can be hard to have when you are right in the middle of it and seems only to come with hindsight.

Everyday life with young kids

The early days with a baby can be wonderful, but they can also be exhausting.

“Being a mum is hard work,” Kerryn says. “There’s the feeding, the washing, keeping them safe, keeping the house going and simply trying to get through the day.”

Kerryn also had very little help nearby. “My husband was working very long days and I felt like a single mum five days of the week. Having no family nearby for help was hard.”

Antenatal classes can prepare you for the practicality of labour and birth. Friends can give you advice. Books can give you information. Yet, the reality of parenting life is often something you only really understand once you are in it. A support system can make such a difference in those early years, especially when everything still feels new.

Looking back

“One thing I wish I had known then is that each stage of your child’s life comes and goes so quickly,” Kerryn reflects.

When your baby is waking constantly or your toddler is going through a difficult stage, it can feel like it is going to last forever. A short time can feel like hours, weeks or even months when you are tired. Then the stage changes. The baby who needed you for everything starts walking, then talking, then going to school. One day, they are grown up.

For Kerryn, that is one of the biggest reasons she wishes she knew not to “stress about all the little things”. A baby will often do things in their own time. Parenting often throws curveballs you could never have planned for, so you might as well stress less about the little things and try to enjoy what you can.

It does not mean ignoring genuine concerns about your child or their development. You should ask questions or get the right information if something does not feel right. If you are genuinely concerned about your baby’s life or development, it’s always a good idea to seek advice, but not every difference needs to become a crisis. The key is being able to tell the difference.

The words Kerryn has never forgotten

One of the moments that stayed with Kerryn happened when a friend said something very simple to her: “She simply said, ‘You’re a good mum.’ It absolutely stunned me.”

It was not a complicated piece of advice. There was no criticism attached to it. No list of things to fix. Just reassurance.

“It was such a simple thing to say, but it made my day. And I’ve never forgotten how much those four words meant to me,” Kerryn says.

It is easy for new mums to become surrounded by advice. Someone has an opinion on sleep. Someone else has a different view on feeding. Then there is screen time, routines and every other decision that comes with raising kids. There are mum friends, family members, parenting books, podcasts, social media, and blog post after blog post telling you what you should be doing.

Sometimes, advice is not the important thing. You just need someone to tell you that you are doing okay.

What to say to other mums

That comment stayed with Kerryn so much she now tries to say the same thing to other mums. “I try to pay it forward,” she says. “When I meet a new mum who looks like she’s struggling, I’ll often say, ‘You’re doing a good job. You’re a good mum.’”

It is a small thing, but the small things matter.

“Because sometimes we don’t need advice. Sometimes we just need someone to remind us that we’re doing okay,” Kerryn says.

That might be especially true in the postpartum period, when life can feel very different very quickly. Some women experience baby blues. Others experience postpartum depression and need professional support. Some struggle with breastfeeding, recovery after birth, exhaustion or simply from the shock of being responsible for a little person all day and night.

Every mum’s experience is different. While there is a place for professional help, practical support and sometimes even a counsellor, there is also something powerful about a good friend noticing you are struggling and saying something kind.

You don’t need to know it all

Kerryn’s list is not complicated:

• Don’t stress about all the little things.
• Do your best and remember that your best will look different on different days.
• Enjoy the moments, because they really do go so quickly.
• Most importantly, encourage another mum along the way. You never know how much those few simple words might mean to her.

For many people, pregnancy comes with a long list of expectations about what life with a new little bundle will look like, but motherhood often teaches us things the hard way. Maybe that is one of the most helpful things to remember before having your first baby: You are not going to get everything right, and you do not need to.

The biggest shock is often how much of it you simply cannot plan for: From sleepless nights and baby poo to all the little decisions that suddenly feel enormous. There will always be another milestone to think about, another decision to make and another stage to navigate.

Your birth might not go according to the birth plan. Your second baby may be completely different from your first. Your kids will surprise you, challenge you and teach you things you could never have prepared for.

You’re a good mum

Parenting is more like a little experiment than a test you have to pass. Motherhood is an incredible journey, but that does not mean every day feels incredible. Some days are messy. Some are exhausting. Some are beautiful. And some are all three.

What matters most is trusting yourself, asking for help when you need it and giving yourself a little more grace along the way, while offering that same grace to other mums too.

Your child does not need a perfect mum. They need you to be present, loving and doing your best.

And in Kerryn’s words, you’re a good mum.

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