The loneliness of being a mum 

Feeling isolated in motherhood? You’re not alone. This is how one woman found her tribe and navigated the loneliness of being a mum.

Motherhood can be full. Full of people. Full of appointments. Full of never-ending tasks: Washing, drying and folding laundry, only to wake up and do it all over again. And yet, somehow, motherhood can also feel incredibly lonely.

There can be lots of visitors, messages asking for baby photos and, of course, you’re constantly surrounded by a tiny person who needs you every minute of the day.

But still, the loneliness clings on. It’s no surprise, really, as becoming a mum is one of the most life-changing moments a woman can go through.

One mum’s story

For new mums, the transition into motherhood can bring a huge change to their social life. There may be less adult interaction, less time with friends and fewer opportunities for the everyday social contact they were used to before having a baby.

For one mum, Louise, maternal loneliness began less than a month after her first child was born. She had moved to Australia not long before becoming a mother, which meant much of the support network she might ordinarily have leaned on was thousands of kilometres away.

“I first realised that motherhood could feel lonely after my first child was born,” she said. “He was nearly a month old and my mother returned to her home overseas after staying for two weeks, and my husband had to leave for a work trip lasting about a week.

“I was literally alone with a baby, not knowing what I was doing. My additional support system was all overseas. I believe that contributed a lot to feeling lonely.”

Lost in a foreign land

Early motherhood can already feel disorientating. There are the sleepless nights, the enormous responsibility of becoming the primary caregiver for someone completely dependent on you and the sudden change to almost every part of everyday life.

The baby stage can also change the social aspects of a woman’s day. Catching up with her closest friends may require more planning. Spontaneous outings become harder. Time alone with other adults can suddenly be difficult to come by. There are surprise feeds, another nappy change, forgetting the nappy bag or suddenly realising your top is covered in milk leaks, so it just feels easier to stay home.

For new mothers without family nearby, those changes can be even more noticeable. What should be the beginning of a new life can also bring periods of physical isolation, particularly when a mum spends much of her day at home with a baby. Loneliness often isn’t simply wishing you had someone to talk to. It can feel much deeper.

“Loneliness in the early days of motherhood looked like someone lost in a foreign land and not able to sleep. Sinking in water and barely able to come up for air. At times, hopeless,” Louise reflected. As the months passed, she began to realise how much she was struggling.

“After a few months of caring for my first child, I realised that I was lonely. To the point I knew I was depressed.”

Eventually, she picked up the phone. “I called a friend and told her of my postpartum depression. I don’t recall if that actually helped but I think in my mind, I needed to say it out loud.”

Her experience shows why mental health and social support during new parenthood matter. Sometimes, what a lonely mum needs isn’t someone with all the answers. It can be something much more ordinary: A friend to talk to without worrying about being judged, someone willing to sit beside her or another pair of hands to hold the baby for a little while.

“As a sanguine and not having friends to talk to without feeling judged was detrimental to this new mama,” she said. “Also, it would’ve been tremendous if someone could give a hand with the baby or just come to keep us company from time to time.”

And this isn’t an uncommon experience. A recent study of more than 900 Australian parents found that loneliness was widespread during pregnancy and the early parenting years, with limited social interaction and a lack of partner support among the factors associated with greater loneliness.

When there is no village

We often hear that it takes a village to raise children. But what happens when that village isn’t there for the mum or the baby?

For many new parents and new families, their existing social connections can feel like they’ve dropped off the radar. Friends may be at different stages of life, a family member may live far away and the demands of caring for young children can make maintaining friendships feel impossible.

For some mothers, the shift begins during maternity leave, when the familiar rhythm of everyday life suddenly changes. A working mum who is used to regular conversations with colleagues may find herself missing that daily social interaction. Suddenly, she’s a stay-at-home mum and can go for long stretches without another adult around.

For single parents, the isolation can feel unbearable, particularly when much of the day-to-day responsibility of caring for children rests solely on their shoulders. They have no-one to share their struggles and their joys with, and it can feel like they are lost at sea with no-one coming to save them.

Everyone’s circumstances may be different, but the need for meaningful connection remains. Making new friends isn’t necessarily easy either.

The village to raise a mum

Joining online baby groups, attending mum groups or going along to parent groups and support groups can provide opportunities for mothers to meet people going through some of the same struggles. For some women, finding even a small group of mum friends can make a huge difference to the amount of social interaction in their week.

And that’s one of the reasons Mums At The Table groups exist.

Playgroup can be about much more than giving the kids somewhere to play. It’s a reason to get out of the house, have a cuppa and a chat, and spend time with other mums who understand what this stage of life can be like. For a mum who is feeling isolated, simply having somewhere to go where she’ll see familiar faces each week can help her begin to build the village she might be missing.

Going to a Mums At The Table meet-up might be where someone meets her first new mum friends. It’s a place for mums to form real, face-to-face connections, without the pressure of having to have everything together. Sometimes, those regular conversations and friendships can be exactly what a mum needs to feel a little less alone.

For others, connection might begin through a local Facebook group or social media before becoming a face-to-face friendship. Online support groups are important and can be very helpful, but they can’t replace being physically present with another person. Sometimes what a mum is missing is simple physical contact and company: A hug, someone to have a laugh and a cuppa with or someone to share the ordinary parts of the day with.

But connections usually don’t happen automatically.

Intentional community

Louise was living in Sydney at the time. There were shops, services and conveniences everywhere, but those good things couldn’t replace people.

“Living in Sydney, there are many conveniences and so much is available that it’s easy to think that you will be fine,” she said. “People don’t have much time to check in on one another as they are busy with work and their own lives. It’s hard for a village to form in such places if it isn’t intentional.”

That word intentional is something worth remembering.

A village doesn’t always appear around new families automatically. Most often, it has to be deliberately built. It might mean sending a new mum a message instead of assuming she’s busy. Dropping in for a cup of tea. Bringing a meal. Holding the baby while she showers. Asking how she’s doing and staying long enough to hear the real answer.

It might mean inviting her out even if she hasn’t been able to come the past three times. It could mean helping her find other mothers in the same stage of life or inviting her along to a local playgroup. Or simply sitting with her and giving her some much-needed adult interaction.

There can be mum guilt attached to loneliness too. Motherhood is often talked about as a joyful season, which can make it difficult to admit that you love your child while also finding the experience isolating.

This too shall pass

Looking back, there is something that Louise wishes she could tell the woman she was during that lonely period of motherhood when her mum had left and her husband wasn’t on parental leave.

“This too shall pass, but while in it, hold tight to Jesus. Even if no-one else can understand your loneliness, He does. Pray that He sends you the right people to encourage you and get you through. He is faithful, so don’t give up,” she said. “The child you are raising in the midst of this loneliness is a gift from above. Treasure each moment, especially when it’s hard.”

Her story is a reminder that loneliness doesn’t necessarily mean a mother has no-one in her life. Sometimes the people she loves are simply far away. Sometimes her old social connections have changed. Sometimes the demands of caring for a baby leave little time or energy for maintaining friendships.

Mum loneliness is real and sometimes it’s debilitating, causing new mums to feel too afraid to reach out. Sometimes what new mums need is for someone else to make the first move.

Perhaps we shouldn’t simply tell new mothers that we’re there if they need anything. Maybe we need to just show up.

Read next: The push and pull of motherhood

If you’re a mum who could do with some company, a cuppa or just a mum-to-mum chat, a new mums group could be the perfect place for you to feel welcome. You can find our groups here and we look forward to meeting you and your little one.