What is the ideal parent? 

We explore the pressure to do it all, if there really is such a thing as an ideal parent and what we should really be aiming for.

Ask 10 different people what an ideal parent looks like and you’ll probably get 10 completely different answers. For some, it’s about emotional safety and connection. For others, it’s about raising resilient, capable children who can thrive in the real world.

When I asked a few people what they thought an ideal parent was, their answers felt surprisingly comforting because none of them described perfection:

• “Someone I can rely on, who isn’t perfect but will move hell and high water to be the best version of themselves. They seek self awareness and reflect on their decisions,” Hana, 33.
• “Someone who believes in me, supports me, listens and understands. Not overbearing or forceful. They apologise and rectify when they’ve made mistakes,” Jay, 31.
• “Someone who is laser-focused on helping their child to become a happy, healthy, emotionally stable, balanced human being who can produce and function in society and have great relationships with others. It’s also the hardest job in the world. No training and no prep,” George, 56.

That last part probably hits home for most mums. Parenting often feels like being handed the most important role of your life with absolutely no instruction manual. One minute you’re trying to help your children regulate big emotions, the next you’re googling whether too much screen time is ruining their brain while reheating your tea for the third time.

If you’ve ever gone to bed wondering whether you handled a tantrum the “right” way, snapped at your children after a long day or compared yourself to those seemingly perfect parents on Instagram, you’re not alone.

The idea of a perfect parent can feel impossible. One minute we’re trying gentle parenting, the next we’re bribing a young child with snacks just to survive the supermarket trip. Real life doesn’t look like the tidy parenting advice we scroll past online and maybe that’s exactly the point.

What if the “ideal” parent isn’t about being flawless? What if it’s more about creating a safe, loving relationship where children feel seen, supported and emotionally secure, and when there’s mistakes (and there will be) there is responsibility, repair and rebuilding.

The pressure parents feel today

Modern parenting comes with a lot of noise. There are podcasts, parenting books, TikTok experts and endless opinions about screen time, emotional regulation, sleep schedules, attachment theory and parenting styles. It can leave mums feeling like they’re constantly failing some invisible test.

Mums can fall into the trap of constantly comparing themselves to other mums and automatically conclude, “She’s a good mum and I’m clearly not”, based on whether our hair was brushed at school drop-off or how we handle a meltdown in the supermarket. All that, when we know nothing about another mum’s life, what she is like when no-one’s watching and if she’s even present with her kids.

Does she go home and eat chocolate while hiding in the pantry, letting her children scream at each other in the lounge room? Quite possibly.

Of course there are the exceptions, but most parents are doing far better than they think.

What children actually need

When psychologists talk about secure attachment, they’re not talking about parents who never make mistakes. In fact, research around attachment shows children don’t need perfect parenting to thrive. They need parents who are emotionally available enough (not all the time).

A good relationship between parent and child is built through small, repeated moments:

• Comfort after a nightmare
• Listening after a hard day
• Hugs in the kitchen
• Repairing after arguments
• Laughing together during bath time
• Feeling emotionally safe at home

These ordinary moments shape a child’s internal working model: the unconscious mind beliefs they develop about themselves, other people and relationships.

Children begin learning things like:

• “My feelings matter”
• “People can be trusted”
• “I am lovable”
• “It’s okay to ask for help”
• “It’s good to be honest about a mistake”

That’s the foundation of emotional security.

The myth of the perfect parent

The concept of the ideal mother or ideal father often comes from unrealistic expectations passed down through generations. Many mums grew up believing good parenting meant:

• never yelling
• always being patient
• keeping a spotless house
• putting everyone else first
• staying calm no matter what

But real parenting is messy. Sometimes good parents lose their temper. Sometimes loving parents need a break. Other times, children eat cereal for dinner while mum sits on the floor wondering what day it is. That doesn’t damage children.

What matters more is repair. One of the most powerful things a parent can say is, “I’m sorry I shouted earlier. I was overwhelmed, but that wasn’t your fault.”

This teaches children accountability, emotional regulation and healthy adult relationships, far more than pretending to be perfect ever could. Mums who suppress their feelings often end up with depression, anxiety or worse, and moreover, they teach their children (especially their daughters) to suppress their own feelings and needs.

It’s much better to show up as you are, not as you wish you could be, work through it, be honest and process things in a healthy way with safe people, than trying to act as if you’re living a fairytale. Because, let’s be real, no-one’s living it.

Why attachment matters so much

A lot of parenting conversations today focus on attachment patterns and insecure attachment, and for good reason. Our earliest relationships shape how we experience connection later in life. Children who experience consistent love, support and safety are more likely to develop secure attachment.

That doesn’t mean life has to be perfect. It simply means children generally feel:

• comforted when upset
• accepted emotionally
• protected and supported
• safe expressing needs
• connected to parent figures

Of course, many adults carry attachment wounds from their own childhood experiences. Maybe you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents, criticism, unpredictability or attachment disturbances that still affect you today.

Here’s something important: You can still become a deeply loving, emotionally safe parent even while healing yourself.

In fact, many parents begin attachment repair through parenting their own children.

Parenting while healing yourself

This is the part nobody talks about enough. Parenting can bring up your own inner child in unexpected ways. Your child’s tantrum might trigger feelings you don’t fully understand. Their crying may activate stress in your nervous system. Certain behaviours can unconsciously remind people of their own childhood experiences.

When your child gets upset and you know they probably need a little space to process on their own, but every part of you feels anxious because you were left alone with big feelings as a child and nobody ever helped you through them, it can create so much mental confusion. You start second guessing everything.

• If I step in too quickly, am I stopping them from learning to self-regulate?
• But if I don’t go to them now, am I abandoning them emotionally the way I was abandoned?

The mental confusion can be overwhelming. You just want someone to tell you what to do in that moment. Instead of reacting automatically, pause and ask:

• “What does my child need right now?”
• “What do I need right now?”

That small shift can help create more emotional safety for both of you.

What the “ideal parent figure” really means

The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol, often called IPF, was created by Dr Daniel P Brown and David Elliott. In simple terms, it’s a healing exercise for adults who may still carry emotional pain or attachment wounds from childhood.

The process involves guided visualisation, where a person imagines a caring, safe, emotionally supportive parent or caregiver responding to them in the way they needed as a child. For example, imagining a parent who comforts them when they’re upset, listens to their feelings, protects them, and makes them feel loved and important.

It’s not about pretending your real childhood didn’t happen or creating “perfect fantasy parents”. The goal is to help the brain and nervous system experience feelings of safety, comfort, connection and unconditional love that may have been missing growing up.

Many people who struggle with attachment issues, relationship difficulties, anxiety or strong emotional reactions find this kind of work deeply healing over time, especially with consistent practice and support from a trained therapist.

At its heart, the idea behind IPF is actually very simple: Children do best when they feel emotionally safe, understood, supported and valued.

And truthfully, that’s what most parents are already trying to give their children every day.

Good parenting is often ordinary

Good parenting usually looks much less impressive than social media suggests. It’s:

• cutting crusts off sandwiches for the hundredth time
• sitting beside a sick child at 2 am
• apologising after a hard day
• reading the same bedtime story repeatedly
• dancing in the kitchen with them
• trying again tomorrow

The ideal parents aren’t necessarily the most organised, wealthy, patient or productive people. Often they’re simply the parents who keep showing up.

You don’t need to get it right all the time

One of the healthiest things children can learn is that relationships can survive mistakes. A secure attachment doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from connection, repair and emotional consistency over time.

There will be days where screen time lasts too long. Days where dinner is mac ‘n’ cheese (again). Days where everyone cries. That’s life.

Children don’t need flawless parent figures. They need human ones. Warm ones. Safe ones. Present ones.

And if you’re worrying whether you’re a good parent at all, there’s a very good chance you already are.

Frequently asked questions

Q: What does being an “ideal” parent actually mean?

Being an ideal parent doesn’t mean being perfect. It means creating a relationship where your child generally feels safe, loved, understood and supported. Good parenting is more about connection and repair than getting everything right all the time.

Q: Do children need perfect parents?

No. Children don’t need flawless parents. In fact, trying to be perfect can create more stress for both parents and children. What children need most are loving parent figures who are emotionally available and willing to reconnect after difficult moments.

Q: What is secure attachment in simple terms?

Secure attachment is when a child feels emotionally safe with their parents or caregivers. It develops when children consistently feel comforted, supported, protected and accepted. Secure attachment helps children build confidence, trust and healthy emotional regulation as they grow.

Q: Can you still be a good parent if you had a difficult childhood?

Absolutely. Many adults are parenting while also healing their own attachment wounds. In fact, becoming aware of your own childhood experiences can help you parent with more empathy, emotional awareness and intention.

Q: What are attachment wounds?

Attachment wounds are emotional hurts that can develop in childhood when a child feels emotionally neglected, criticised, rejected, unsafe or unsupported over time. These experiences can affect adult relationships, self-worth, emotional regulation and attachment patterns later in life.

Q: What is the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol (IPF)?

The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol, or IPF, is a therapeutic visualisation approach created by Dr Daniel P Brown and David Elliott. It helps adults imagine emotionally safe and supportive parent figures in order to heal insecure attachment and develop healthier emotional patterns.

Q: Can parents accidentally pass attachment issues onto their children?

Sometimes, unresolved attachment issues can affect parenting responses, especially during stressful moments. But awareness makes a huge difference. Parents who reflect on their own experiences and work on emotional healing are already helping break unhealthy generational patterns.

Q: How do I know if I’m a good parent?

If you care about your child’s emotional wellbeing, reflect on your parenting, try to repair after mistakes and keep showing up with love, there’s a very good chance you’re already doing far better than you think.

Read next: The myth of the “zen mum”

If you are experiencing struggles or fear that your home environment is not safe and that your children are suffering, it’s important to seek help. Seeking help is something to be proud of. Reach out to your GP, therapist, family counsellor or school for more advice.

If you need help 

• Lifeline: 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636