When “not right now” is actually loving 

You can’t meet every need and that’s okay. Learn how to stay connected, acknowledge feelings and build frustration tolerance without guilt.

I still remember a morning not long after my second child was born. I was with my toddler in the kitchen when the baby started to cry through the monitor. It was an inconvenient moment. I needed a minute to finish what I was doing first.

“I have to go get the baby,” I told my toddler. He protested.

I remember feeling triggered. The baby needed me. It was my job to meet his needs. And the fact I couldn’t respond immediately gave me this sense that I was failing him.

I got flustered with my toddler—“The baby needs me, I have to go”—while trying to wrap up what I was doing as quickly as I could. I felt tense. I was stressed that I might emotionally harm my baby if I didn’t respond quickly enough.

Then I noticed that my baby was quiet again. In fact, he’d gone back to sleep. This was the first time I witnessed firsthand that babies can sometimes cry briefly as they move between sleep cycles and don’t always need immediate intervention. But that’s not what this story is about.

That moment exposed something in me I hadn’t realised I believed: That if I didn’t respond immediately, I was failing my child; that being a good mother meant responding immediately to every need.

The belief many of us carry without realising

Let’s review the moment: My baby had expressed a need. I had interpreted it as, “Mum, I need you.” Knowing the full story now, what he actually needed was more sleep. At the time, I hadn’t appreciated that.

Let’s be real. Parenting can often feel like guesswork. Sure, this time, my baby hadn’t really needed me. But there is something important to learn from this moment.

Let’s look at what was happening for me and the idea of meeting our child’s needs.

My toddler also had a need. He was having a moment of connection with his mum, during a time that had been really hard for him (it’s a big transition getting a baby sibling, especially the first time) and we were actively engaged in that connection.

There was also a physical need. We were finishing preparing his breakfast and he was waiting with anticipation. In order to immediately respond to my baby’s needs, I would’ve needed to put my toddler’s needs on hold.

This is the reality of parenting. Needs collide. You cannot be in all places at once. And that is okay.

Here’s the thing: For many of us, for me at that moment, it doesn’t feel okay. We feel torn, we want to be everywhere at once and it can feel deeply unsettling when we can’t.

What it means to be a good mother

So what was happening for me at this moment? To really understand, we need to go a step deeper and look at the internal narrative driving my reaction.

I wanted to be a good mother. To provide an emotionally safe environment. To protect my children from harm and help them grow into emotionally stable, secure adults.

What I hadn’t fully appreciated at the time was that underneath that, I had an unspoken belief that in order to do that, I had to meet every need immediately. That if my baby cried and I couldn’t respond straight away, I was failing him. That waiting, even briefly, could cause harm to his psychological wellbeing.

Spoiler: This is absolutely not true, but it felt true.

I thought that being a good mother meant being constantly available, constantly responsive, meeting every need without delay. But the reality is, that is neither possible nor necessary. Parenting is full of moments where we are juggling competing needs, and no-one can be in two places at once.

Interestingly, many of us experience this in other areas of life. In the workplace, for instance, we regularly juggle competing demands and learn to triage priorities. Yet it often feels so much harder when it comes to parenting.

Here’s the thing though, secure attachment is built on consistent, reliable responsiveness over time, not on immediate response in every single moment. Brief delays are a normal part of real life and children can be remarkably capable of adapting when they still feel emotionally held. And real life is full of moments where needs overlap.

When needs collide, acknowledgement matters

Parents of multiples often experience this early, when siblings’ needs directly conflict. However, even with only one child, you will still be navigating competing needs. You have to cook dinner. Your partner is speaking to you. You have work that needs to be done. A phone call you have needed to return all day. And sometimes, you are simply exhausted and just need a moment to yourself.

You will always be juggling competing needs and priorities. It is not possible to function in life if our child’s needs must always come first, every time. For instance, your child wants to play with you, but you have to prepare dinner.

You cannot meet every need immediately and sometimes, you cannot meet it at all in that moment. But here’s the thing: A need can be acknowledged without being immediately met.

We unpack this idea even further in the full Mum to Mum podcast episode with Dr Tash. Listen or watch the conversation here.

“I hear you want me to play. I would love to play, but I need to cook dinner right now.”

Because this is often a bid for connection, you might offer, “Would you like to help me cook?” or “How about after dinner, before bed, we can play then?”

Let’s be real, your child may protest. Waiting is hard, especially when they’re young. But what is happening at that moment is important. You are showing them that they are seen. Their need is valid, even if it cannot be met immediately. And you are still emotionally available to them.

They learn that it is safe to have needs and safe to express them, even when the response is not instant. They also begin to learn something that is part of real life: That families function with multiple needs at once.

Sometimes we will have to wait. Sometimes we need to adjust. But throughout it all, the relationship remains intact. This is how children gradually develop the capacity to tolerate frustration without feeling abandoned or alone in it.

Our children don’t actually need us to respond instantly every time. What they need is to know that they are seen, their needs are heard and that they are reliably returned to.

What children actually need

I’ll be honest. Realising this unspoken belief and truly understanding this concept, was incredibly liberating.

So often, we want to do and be everything we can for our children, sometimes at our own expense. We can find ourselves feeling guilty for feeling tired, burnt out or needing space ourselves, like our own needs do not matter, but they do.

This won’t look exactly the same in every family or with every child. Some children need more support, more preparation or more time. The goal is never to force independence but to remain emotionally available while navigating the realities of life together.

This is not about ignoring our children’s needs. It is not about dismissing them or leaving them to cope alone. Our role is still to be emotionally available, responsive and present.

Responsiveness does not mean immediacy in every single moment. What children need is to know they will be seen, their needs will be heard and acknowledged, and that we will come back.

Final takeaways

In those small, everyday moments where they must wait, while still feeling safe and connected, they gradually learn something important—that difficult feelings can be tolerated. That a need does not have to be met immediately for them to still feel safe. And that the relationship is still there, even in the frustration.

Perhaps most importantly, we learn something too: That we do not have to meet every need instantly to be good parents.

For me, understanding this didn’t happen overnight. That morning in the kitchen wasn’t some instant turning point. Upon reflection, it exposed a belief I carried and over time, I’ve had to slowly unlearn it.

That realisation has changed the way I see those everyday moments. Our children do not need us to meet every need instantly in order to feel safe, secure and deeply loved.

Tune into the Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash podcast

Parenting isn’t easy and some days, it feels downright impossible. That’s why Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash is here: honest, heart-centred conversations about raising emotionally healthy kids, one connection at a time. Join paediatrician Doctor Tash (Natasha Ching) and host Melody Tan as they unpack the big emotions, everyday struggles and lightbulb moments that come with modern parenting. From tantrums to teen moods, from discipline to self-compassion, each monthly episode offers practical wisdom grounded in science and guided by empathy. This is the place where you’ll find understanding, not judgement. Real talk, not quick fixes. Because parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about learning, growing and connecting.

NOTE: The information shared in this article and the podcast does not constitute medical advice. It is for general and educational purposes only. Please consult a qualified healthcare professional for advice specific to your situation.